To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 48

I was a fool.

I loved too easily and I knew this. Yet I let my guard down and fell in love with a man I should never be involved with and he had just rejected me. Or at least, it felt like he had.

What was I thinking?

Unbidden tears pooled in my eyes.

Why was I crying again?

Bitterness spread through me like venom. I sank into the bed, angry at myself for this senseless decision I made.

Did I think he was going to kiss me and tell me he loved me back?

Irritation swirled up and encompassed me in a black cloud. Foolish me; crying over the loss of something that wasn't mine, to begin with. How ridiculous. I felt pathetic and alone and crushed. How could he just leave?

With soured expectations, I sobbed, silently praying that he came back to me; that he walked right back into the room and told me he loved me too.

But he didn't.

Not tonight.

Not the night after.

And two days later, it just felt like we were back at square one.

If he'd spit on my face, it couldn't have hurt me more.

He put in extra measures to avoid me. He skipped breakfast, left for work early, and came home late in the night when he was probably sure I was asleep. He didn't check up on me, didn't ask me if I had eaten. He just stayed clear of my path and the worst part was that I couldn't say I blamed him.

I was the one who dropped the bomb. I was the one who thought just merely confessing my feelings would be enough. I felt like an idiot for doing so and all I wanted right now was to go back to the way things were before that night.

"I think you've had enough, young lady." Lesley intruded my tailspin as she whisked away my second cup of coffee.

Drinking this was particularly sending me knocking on hell's door but I didn't care. I skipped work today. I frankly couldn't focus on anything because the thought of Killian kept intruding.

"There's a lot of caffeine in that and it's not healthy for your pregnancy, it'll stunt the growth."

"So will stress and overthinking."

She pinned me with a flat look and I sighed. "I'm sorry, I know. It's just..." I sulked. "I'm not in a good space right now, I feel like Killian is slipping away from me."

"Have you tried confronting him about it?"

I shook my head. "I didn't. I can't. What if he says he doesn't love me? I think I prefer not knowing how he feels." The thought of him rejecting me stung like a sharp cut to my heart.

"I think you just need to give him some space," she advised, rubbing my shoulders. "I think he needs time to process everything. And there's also a chance that he might love you. You said it yourself, he's changed a little."