To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 54

My heart pounded and adrenaline spiked through my body. "You want me to get naked?"

He looked at me, no, he looked through me, like I had said nothing, like I meant nothing, and then he folded his arm, poised with so much arrogance and animosity as he replied. "If you're not going to do it, stop messing around and leave."

For some reason, my throat felt too dry. I swallowed. "It's not that I don't want to, I just don't think this is the time for—"

"You said you loved me." He cut me. "How about proving it. Take off your clothes now and I won't be repeating myself."

My heart was thundering in my chest and I wasn't sure what to do. Part of me wanted to run, part of me wanted to stay and reason with him, and another part just wanted to beat him until he realized he was being an insufferable jerk to me right now.

"I'll do it because I want you to see how sorry I am," I said, drawing in a huge breath before reaching for the hem of my jersey. "And how much I want to share your pain with you."

He said nothing, barely watching me under his hooded gaze. I took a deep breath and swiped my Jersey over my head. The cool air caressed my bare skin, making my nipples tighten, reminding me that I was bare-chested.

I found it difficult to meet his gaze knowing I was only clad only in my shorts. God, I felt so exposed, more than i'd ever been with him. This wasn't right. It didn't feel right. This wasn't the Killian I'd grown to love.

"I thought I was clear with my instruction?" His tone was matter-of-fact.

I shook away all my thoughts and swallowed as I reached for my shorts and slid out of them, now standing completely bare and vulnerable in front of him.

My insides fought with themselves as I waited for him to say something else but he was quiet and for about thirty seconds he stayed that way until he finally unfolded his arm and regarded the bed. "Get on all fours."

I blinked and blinked again, my lips parting to accommodate my breathing.

"Don't make me ask again." His eyes burned into mine, leaving me almost breathless from their intensity, reminding me that he could very well do vicious things to me.

My chest ached. He wanted to take away my pride by doing this. He wanted to demean me so bad I could feel it. His intentions were clear and vivid and I should've put an end to this but I let him, like the fool, l let him. I moved towards the bed.

I didn't have a choice.

If this was what he wanted then he could have it because Killian Fobster had me at his mercy and he knew it.

I counted to three and perched on the edge of the bed, watching as he walked purposefully to me.

His entire demeanor changed in a nanosecond. My heart thundered. "Killian, i—"

"I said. Get. On. All. Fucking. Fours." I knew that tone, I knew I would not win.

Inhaling sharply, I turned around, placing both hands and knees on the bed. This position was hard, really hard.

"You really want to share my pain huh? You think you understand an inch of what I feel inside? Think your begging will be enough to sever the permanent void you've put in my heart?" 

Fear tore me to shreds at the weight of his words. I swallowed. "Killian, we could still talk this out."

"No more talking. Since you want to take away my pain so bad, I'll give it to you."

I barely had time to process his words before a slap rang across my ass, the harsh sound echoing around the room and sending a cry from deep in my throat.

Jesus ch—

My back arched, a cry coming from my lips as another slap rang. "Does it hurt?"

I bit hard on my bottom lip to swallow back my whimper.

Why was he doing this to me?

Why was he punishing me so badly?

Didn't he care that I was pregnant?

Didn't he care that this could hurt me?

"I said, does it hurt?"

Tears pricked my eyes. "No..." I whispered, shaking my head. "No, it doesn't."

"Good." The next slap was enough to drive the air from my lungs. "Killian..." I squeezed my eyes shut and whimpered as pain spread through me.

"Does it hurt?" He asked again as he continued to descend heavy slaps on my ass cheeks.

"No," I whispered, bunching up the sheets as tears sprung into my eyes. I didn't want to cry, God, no I didn't but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help any of this.

"Does it hurt?"

I nearly choked on my spit when he hit me again and the pain pulsed so much that I felt it in my stomach. My baby.

"Killian..." I managed to get out through a rasping breath but my words slipped back into my throat the moment he slapped me and he did it again and again and again until my despair was so deep I couldn't summon any feeling at all.

I'd gone numb and every hit, every sting pushed me to a decision I never wanted to make.

I was going to leave.

This man was a mess of emotions and no good for me or this baby and I was a fool if I thought this could work. I was a fool if I thought he could change.

I struggled to take a breath.

I'd been such an idiot. I'd thought he actually loved me, but he was right all along. He wasn't going to love me just because I was carrying his child.

Where had loving him even gotten me?

I had followed my heart and ended up with nothing but pain.

It didn't matter now tho because all this was going to end tonight.

And I was going to make sure of it.