To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 55

I wished there was a way to turn off everything I felt.

The pain, the sadness, the anger, the hurt, the exhaustion. I dragged in a deep breath, eyes filled with so many tears that they blurred my vision.

So this was what it felt like to trust someone and then have them break that trust.

When Isabella said 'giving your trust to someone meant handing them a dagger to stab you', I didn't understand what she meant, but now, sitting here in utter pain and disdain, I realized her words couldn't have been truer because It felt like a dagger had been jabbed straight into my chest.

"Hope," Killian called out to me, his breathing quick and shallow. It was like a haze lifted from his eyes and he could vividly see the damage he'd done to me. "Baby..." He extended his hand to touch me.

"Don't..." I begged, clutching the sheets closer to my body. "Don't...Touch me, please."

"Alright, I won't baby. I'm sorry baby. I got carried away." He implored, his eyes pleading with me as a myriad of emotions crossed his face. I wanted to believe him, my heart bled for a second chance to reason with him but my brain put up a very defensive argument. It wouldn't be made a fool again.

I dashed the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands.

I wished I had the energy to slap and yell at him for hurting me so bad but I didn't. I was weak, too weak and I wanted to lay here till the pain no longer ebbed, but even breathing the same air with him intoxicated me.

I used what remained of my strength and pushed myself off the bed, now standing with wobbly legs.

He got up with me, almost shooting his arms out to hold me when I swayed but I pulled back.

"Where are you going?"

I picked up my jersey and hissed at the pain. "My room."

"Can you walk?" He asked me, stepping forward. "I'll help you." He took another step forward.

"Don't, please." I receded from him and he stopped. "I just need to be alone."

I didn't wait for his reply, he didn't give any either. He just stood there, watching me as I picked up my shorts and walked out.

He didn't follow me. I didn't know if I was relieved or hurt but I just kept moving slowly in the direction of my room.

The moment entered, my tears broke out and I tried concealing my sobs but they just didn't let up. I cried because I was hurt and angry and sad and confused.

What do I do?

Where do I go?

My thoughts were all disoriented and muffed. I couldn't see a way out of this. I'd let him evade my life so much that I couldn't picture anything without him in it.

With my tears soaking my jersey, I walked over to my cupboard, reached for my suitcase, and began to blindly shove things inside.

The thought of not seeing Killian again practically choked me but this was a necessary evil because I was never going to give him the chance to hit me like that ever again. With shaky hands, I removed my wedding ring and placed it on the table, then I walked into the bathroom and packed my toiletries, willing my tears to stop because he did not deserve my tears. He did not deserve me nor this baby. My hands were shaking, I stopped and forced myself to inhale and exhale before I continued.

My door opened. I didn't turn.

"I brought you something for the pain..." He trailed off. "You're packing?"

I closed up my suitcase and turned, ignoring him as I sort to walk out the door but he stood in front of me, blocking my way. "Hope, what are you doing?"

My voice was still shaky but I managed to speak. "I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" He looked confused. "Why, where to?"

"I'm leaving you, Killian. I'm tired, please let me go."

I tried to sidestep him but he covered my path. "You're not leaving me." He stated firmly. "You can't."

"It's not your choice to make." I moved past him and edged towards the door but he beat me to it, clutching the doorframe. "You don't understand. I won't let you leave. You can't."

"Yes, Killian. Yes, I can."

I wasn't touching him but I could feel his body tense. "Hope, I apologized. I said I was sorry. I never intended to hurt you like that."

I drew in a deep breath. "I've made up my mind."

"Fuck it." He held the door frame tighter. "This is not sufficient enough for you to leave."

"You don't get to decide what's and what's not sufficient. I'm done with you. Now please let me leave."

"No, I won't let you go, I won't let you leave me, you said you wouldn't, you said you were mine." His guard dropped to reveal the utterly broken man he was. "Hope please." His chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, his lips trembling as he edged on. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'll make it up to you. I care about you and this baby."

"No, you don't." I laughed bitterly. "I loved you, Killian, I let myself be vulnerable to you despite everything you've done but what did you give me in return?" I inhaled a deep breath. "You took advantage of my feelings and hurt me. You've hurt me physically and emotionally and I just can't take this anymore."

I moved passed him to walk away but he held my hand, drawing me back. "Hope, wait, please don't—"

"I said don't touch me!" I pivoted to slap him so hard across his face that it turned.

My hand stung, I hadn't meant to do that. It'd been on reflex but he deserved more.

"Killian, I've been the recipient of your loathing and cruelty and degradation. I should've left, but I didn't leave because I loved you. I freaking loved you, Killian. But In the end, you only proved to me that I was wrong. And I hate you. God, I hate you." I wiped my eyes. "You act like an asshole but underneath it all, you're a coward and a wimp who would rather hurt the one he cares about than let them in, and I feel sorry for you Killian because you're going to end up alone and you deserve it. And don't you dare blame this on your past because it never had the power to hurt me. You did and you hurt me."

His face fell and his eyes reddened like he was in agonizing pain. "Hope..."

I didn't wait for him to speak, I turned and clambered down the stairs with my suitcase, ready to walk out of this arrangement that I never should have agreed to in the first place.

"Hope, wait." He yelled after me. I didn't know he'd been following behind me. I didn't care. When I got to the door I grabbed the handle like it was my salvation.

When he spoke again, his voice was low and pained. He sounded broken. "Hope... Stay."

My chest felt constricted, my heart clenched, and pain shot through my gut. "It's over Killian." I swiped at my cheek as one of my tears fell on it. "Goodbye."

I opened the door and walked out.

There was nothing left for me here anymore. Nothing.