Fitoor

2 | Letting go

Shehnaaz

"You know Shehnaaz, I'm more than happy to take your money without offering you my help but I think
you and I both know that I'm not like that. So, do me a favor and stop staring at the window" She says with a lilting American accent.

I turn around and find myself getting lost inside the view. To say calling Anita beautiful would've been a complete insult, she was absolutely a Goddess. With dark brown waist length natural curled hair, shaped eyebrows, pointed nose, delicately carved facial structure, eyes as dark as the onyx framed inside long sooty lashes shadowing her face, she was a fine sight. What I envied the most about her was her skin tone. It was somewhere between porcelain and light peach with a pinkish tint. If I was a lesbian, I would've definitely hit on her.

No shit!

"Shehnaaz!"

immediately break out of my thoughts with a jolt at her stern voice and briskly walk towards the couch and sit on it facing her. Im telling you, she can be really serious when she wants to be. And also a tad bit scary!

Hesitantly I face my therapist knowing what's about to come next "So, how do you feel now that Sameer is here in Delhi?" she asks with an air of anticipation.

"I feel angry?" I say.

"Are you asking me?" she asks, raising one of her perfectly arched eyebrows.

Finally, she lets out a huge sigh and scribbles something on her diary that is on her lap. Sometimes I wonder what she writes there so much.

'Probably about how much of a fuck up you are!' my head screams at me.

"You have to understand yourself, Shehnaaz. I can't save you unless you cooperate with me in this. Yes I know it can be a bit tough for you to explore your emotions but you can't just bottle it all up. It's not good for you or others around you. Trust me I know how much it hurts to be heartbroken. But you have to move on. This isn't just about some stupid heartbreak as you claim it to be. This is more and your condition is not something that is to be taken lightly. You need to let go of the past patterns and move forward. It's the only way you can heal. Now take a deep breath and think for a moment about how you feel about Sameer right now. Think deeply! Any emotion that you feel is more than enough. Even if you feel hollow or empty, tell me" She finishes saying and regards me with a stern look.

Taking a deep breath, I do as I'm told.
As soon as I close my eyes, kaleidoscopes of images flash through my mind.

Throngs of drunken people, Sameer and me, screams, pain, and lastly the blood. And like always my whole vision gets clouded with red. All I see is the red and the screams of that man.

I quickly open my eyes to banish them away and come face to face with Sameer, who is staring at me intently.

"I feel used, betrayed, destroyed, and violated," I say whilst feeling a lone tear graze down my cheeks. I hastily wipe it off and continue "I know that I didn't deserve what happened to me. Somewhere deep inside I don't blame Sameer. Then again none of this would've happened if I wasn't so upset that night. Maybe if I was composed or sober, I would've been long gone home, dining with my parents?" I ask almost to myself in the end.

She offers me an encouraging smile and once again I find myself saying "I know we were never that close or anything but it hurt knowing how...how...how..." I start stuttering with my hands shaking violently and instantly she hands me a glass of water which I gulped down gratefully.

"I think it's better if we continue this in the next session. I'm glad that you are being yourself and facing your fears at least. Trust me that's a huge step towards healing. If we can keep up with that, you will be fine within a few months. Besides if you ever feel like sharing this with someone, please do. Try telling Neha or perhaps your other friends. It often feels good to let out your frustrations" She suggested with a bright smile.