Fitoor

14 | Remorse

Shehnaaz

Her eyes widen with alarm as she registers my expression and looks guilty as she tries to form words but ends up stammering.

I stop looking at her when I hear a knock on the door and tilt my head on the left side to look past Neha only to see a maid in her late 40s with a tray in her hand.

I nod my head for her to enter the room and immediately feel guilty for snapping at Neha like that. God, I literally sound confusing even to myself. Sometimes I wonder if anyone faced this mental dilemma like I do every day.

Yes! Every fucking day!

I was literally a step away from a complete psychopath to a severely depressed patient.

Sometimes I felt too much and other times I felt nothing. Moments like these make me question if I will ever be cured again.

After that death, I shut myself away from others and nothing made me genuinely happy anymore. All those constant small things in life that I once appreciated were gone. I lost a lot of people from my life for being a recluse. Neha and Ahaan were like my only support and the only people I relied on until I met my doctor of course.

And now after acting like a complete douche to Neha, I feel utterly horrible.
She has been more supportive of me than my parents who were busy the majority of the time. I cast my eyes down with guilt and glance at the sugar coated pancakes with berries on the side that were left by the maid
for my breakfast.

“mujhe jana chaiye.” I could hear the disappointment in her voice vividly and rise from my seat and go over to her.

When I’m standing right in front of her, I hesitate to take another step forward but all my doubts vanish when she herself volunteers to break the ice and envelops me in a warm hug.

This is what always draws me to her. We were both different in many ways and yet we always understood each other. No words were needed or spoken as we were still in the same position with her gently rubbing my back.

“I’m really fine Neha, I just didn’t like you interrogating me like that. You know how much I hate it when people accuse me of something I didn’t do” I lie. Tears spring to my eyes as waves of shame engulfs me for lying to her.

Lying to strangers for my safety was one thing but lying to my best friend who witnessed all my ups and downs and supported me through them was another thing.

It made me feel like an asshole big
time but I knew better not to tell her about Sidharth yet. That to have unnecessary drama in my life but unfortunately, God always had other plans for me since I always end up being the main attraction of all soap operas.

Sometimes I even questioned myself, what was so wrong about being with Sidharth anyway?

’Oh honey, do you want the whole list? A, He’s your boss, at least throughout the whole duration of your stay. B, He’s Ahaan's cousin who detests him. C-He is charmingly too good at seducing you which always brings trouble. You don’t want that same old ‘falling for my best friend's brother crap again. You’ve been there, did that, and ruined your Life. He indirectly called you a prostitute that night. For fuck’s sake you DON’T let some men’s hand inside your pants especially after you meet them!’ My subconscious stared at me like I’m dumb and tuts with disapproval.

Which is a sense is true, I was indeed acting dumb. I mean he’s such a powerful man, he literally had the ability to destroy my career with one snap of his fingers. Maybe this is what forbidden affairs felt like. All this thrill and fun was like some drug you can’t stop once you start getting high on it. The thrill and fun just by being in his presence was always a welcoming thought. He was so unpredictable and maybe that was what drew me towards him. Most men in my opinion were too predictable and Sidharth was clearly anything but that. However, this wasn’t an affair.