Fitoor

11 | Sin at your Doorstep

Shehnaaz

I didn't go.

Yeah, you all heard me right.

Like the fucking coward I was, I didn't go.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me, Oh wait! There is!

I know I was fucked up mentally in more ways than one but now I'm starting to doubt if there is anything wrong with my sexuality too.

I mean I can bet my life on the fact that any girl would literally kill to get a fine specimen of a man like Sidharth for themselves. Yet here I was, even after having several heated encounters with him, I still refused to give myself to him completely.

I really do not understand my initial reaction to him. I don't know why I care so much about us working out as if it's going to go on for the long run. I know for a fact that once this event is going to be over, he will forget me and move on to his next 'conquest'.

Heck, he might as well be with someone else right now for all I know.

For some strange reason, the thought of him being with someone else infuriated me greatly. I didn't even want to dwell on all these strange feelings. I mean I met the man just a couple of days back and here I was, getting mad at him being with someone else.

What surprised me most was the fact that how I felt these emotions. After what happened with Sameer, I thought I was incapable of feeling anything at all and now suddenly a handsome dashing man enters my life and sweeps me in his passion like a storm.

Shit, that sounded too sappy.

I was never insecure when it came to men, at least not in the last nine years. I knew that men desired me. I knew I was hot enough to make men swoon at my sight.

I know I'm getting cocky there!

But after my failed attempt at making Sameer like me, I gave up trying to disguise myself as poo from kkkg look and I embraced my true self. I loved being bold and trying something new all the time. At one point in my life, I realized, I was a fucking fool for thinking that Sameer never liked me because I was ugly like Natasha used to say, he just never liked me because his taste in women sucked big time, and seeing his eyes pool with adulterated desire was enough for me to realize exactly how much hot I was. As narcissistic as it sounded, over the years I learned to love myself and always put myself on top and never let anyone belittle me.

Not again at least.

But whenever I was in Sidharth's presence, it angered me greatly whenever some women eyed him hungrily. Wait let me correct that. Whenever every woman eyed him up and down, hungrily as if he was the last man left on earth.

I know ladies. He's just that hot, we just can't!

Honestly, the best part of the evening was watching Natasha's horrified expression when Sidharth flat out ignored her and dragged me away.

But my joy and all my giddiness were diminished as soon as Sameer entered the hallway accompanying a gorgeous girl and my body started shaking with rage at the sight of them.

I guess some pain just always stay there, no matter how much you push them away, they always stay with you.

I unclasp my emerald stud pendant from my neck and stare at myself wistfully in the mirror. I left the party as soon as I saw Sameer, and came directly to my bedroom. I told Neha that I was feeling ill and left immediately.

The last thing I needed was Neha hovering over me. As much as I loved her, I did not want to rant about my problems when she's already struggling to put her life in place after Arjun's infidelity. I didn't bother ringing the maid to bring something for me to eat because I was already full with all the seasoned chicken finger foods I gobbled after Sidharth left me with his illicit proposal to visit me in his study which I, like the fucktard I am, I declined.