Fitoor

25 | Genuine Feelings

Shehnaaz

“You’re wrong” He mumbles so softly that I almost don’t hear him.

I turn my head to study his face which was now, unfortunately, devoid of emotions.

“I don’t understand,” I say.

He looks up and locks his eyes with mine and I see the pain behind those gorgeous eyes. A myriad of emotions was splayed across his eyes. From sorrow to regret, from regret to remorse, from remorse to relief, all of them lasting for a few seconds only
to settle with relief.

“You’re wrong because whether you believe it or not, you do mean a lot to me, Shehnaaz. I don’t know why or how this happened but you have no clue how much it hurt me to see you so fragile and weak when Sameer brought you in last night. Seeing Sameer carrying you inside the castle...” He trails off saying and his eyes squeeze shut with evident fury and frustrations. And continues again “...it made me incredibly angry knowing that because of my stupid mistake, you almost died. I should’ve followed you when you left my study and I should’ve apologized but being the dick that I was, I didn’t”

Warmth surges through my chest to all parts of my body as his words sink in. It felt oddly too good to hear all these words coming from his mouth but also felt unbelievable because it has only been a few days of us knowing each other.

I caress his face with both of my hands and answer honestly “My drowning wasn’t your fault Sidharth.”

As much as I wanted to blame him, I couldn't. A part of me held back because deep down I had this feeling that whatever went down last night wasn’t his doing.

“I don’t know Shehnaaz. It all feels foreign to me” He answers me sincerely and cups my face with one of his hands and continues “Just have some patience, love. With time, I’ll tell you everything” He promises me genuinely. Suddenly I feel greatly overwhelmed and felt like crying.

All of this felt so complex. Hell! I don’t even know this man properly!

If Sidharth was just some random dude from the coffee shop or some bar with which I had a one night stand, I would’ve gladly felt nothing and might’ve left in the morning. But this wasn’t the case at all. He was my best friend's brother, my temporary employer.

Whether I liked it or not, at one time or the other, I will have to face him.
Be it at some part of the castle during the remaining days of the trip or some family dinner at Ahaan’s house.

I didn’t even know what to call this.
All those things that transpired between us felt so weird.

For fuck’s sake I’ve never slept with any of my employers, clients, bosses, employees.

I was already tired of dealing with Sameer’s ass as I avoided all of his father’s and my dad’s over persistence to join all those joint family dinners and right now, I had no wish to start avoiding Ahaan’s invitation to visit his home.

I decide to push all these thoughts at the back of my head and place a sweet kiss on Sidharth’s lips that were parted and break away before he can start responding because I know if he does that. The series of events will consist of us both rolling around the sheets again.

Displeasure was etched all over his face as I pull away and I decide to make the atmosphere light.

“You know when you said that you felt bad for women taking pills. There is something you men can do too to stop women from getting pregnant without taking contraceptives” I say and laugh inwardly at his puzzled expression.

“There is?” He asks and looks up at me quizzically with one raised eyebrow.

“Yes!” I reply enthusiastically and continue “You can cut off your sperm duct! That will prevent sperm from leaving your penis and also the operation is risk-free!” I exclaim with mock enthusiasm to which he looks at me with shock plastered all over his face.

“Ok forget what I said” He shakes his head in a daze and I laugh freely seeing his comical expression.

“Let me go and I have to take my morning pill,” I say as I lift myself off his lap and move to the other side of the bed. Before my foot reaches the floor, he clasps my wrist tightly with his hand, halting my actions, and turns to look at him questioningly.

He tried to speak and opened his mouth a couple of times as if fighting with some inner conflict but ends up releasing me and says “Uh nothing. I’ll see you in my room later”

I frown at his words as I slip inside the satin nightgown that he bought last night for me to wear.

I twirl around to look at him with my hands planted on my hips and say with firm determination “Sidharth you have to stop distracting me”

He looks shocked for a fleeting second at my declaration and just like that, his cold mask slips back into his face.

Oh, fuck! He doesn’t look happy

“What do you mean?” He looked at me with a cold look. Gone was his playful aura all because of my stupid oh-so wise self.

Damnit!

I decide to go for a gentle approach and address him truthfully “Sidharth  you have to understand me. This is not a vacation. This is a work project. I know that I have been anything but professional but this is important for me too. Ahaan is my friend and I know that I’ve already hurt him more than enough by doing all this behind his back and breaking his trust. Besides, it’s a prestigious project for me and your family both. I want my work to be handled by myself and praised by the people of this place because they actually like it.
Also, you have no clue how much your mere presence affects me, Sidharth. I lose my head and all my focus and it’s really disturbing. I’m not desperate and the fawning type but yet your presence makes me feel all that. I need to focus on this work because it’s important for me and my sanity. But having you this close to me makes me feel things that are new to me and with all due respect I just want to focus on my work!” I finish my explanation with a huge huff and look away from him.

Honestly, I can’t believe I said all those things out loud then again I’ve never been the type of woman to beat around the bush and make a man confused by giving him mixed signals. All my therapists always said that communication was the key and that’s been my weapon for as long as I can remember.

I know what I want even though when it comes to Sidharth, I lose all my sense of reasoning. I want him to pervade my senses and drive me crazy but at the same time, I’m not ready to spill my dirty secrets to him so easily. Life has taught me enough reason to not trust someone so easily.

Deep down I know this is not the real reason.

_____