Fitoor

18 | painful realizations

Shehnaaz

“What is your past with the Malhotras, Shehnaaz?”

I can bet that it has been a solid five minutes since he asked me this question and I’m still staring at the silver vase filled with white lilies that were rested on one corner of his desk.

If I look close enough, I can see a beautifully engraved inscription on the center of it.

Suddenly I felt like I was inside one of Dr. Anita’s therapy sessions which I abhorred when I first met her and used this same trick when I wanted to ignore her.

Except the situation was now different, I was sitting opposite to no one other than my temporary boss with whom all my encounters have been anything but professional.

I felt my mind running around in circles as I try to come up with lies and excuses. Correction, I force myself to come up with excuses because I know if I open my mouth, I will spill all the dirty details of my past life.

You see this is the problem. As much as I enjoyed Sidharth’s mysterious perplexing aura, I also hated it.

This man was capable of turning me into a songbird and I was more than willing to do fulfill all his wishes.
He adeptly made me vulnerable in more ways than one and I absolutely disliked it.

I hear a subtle clear of the throat in front of me but I refused to acknowledge it.

I knew I was acting like a brat but it was the only thing I could come up with at the moment. I mean it’s not every day the man you like (who also happens to have made you come more than you’ve ever had over the last 5 years in the time span of four days. Jeez my sex life does sound pathetic) comes up to you to discuss your ugly past.

In fact, I was surprised that he was still patiently waiting for my answer.

“Shehnaaz, I’m asking you something,” He said loudly, pulling me away from my thoughts.

Maybe not so patient anymore...

I gulp down in fear at what will transpire and think of ways to distract him.

Hmm, maybe I can play him at his own game. Seduce him, Shehnaaz!

I shake my head inwardly as soon as the thought enters my head. I don’t want to come up as a cheap hussy or turn him off more with my hideous seducing tactics.

Finally, I decided to take the high road of playing oblivious and being disobedient. Hopefully, this will make him get off my back permanently as much as depressing the thought is.

“There is nothing to know,” I say petulantly and shrug my shoulders to irate him further.

“Well I absolutely disagree with you,”

He says with such a chilling tone that it forces me to dare a glance at him. And of course, I regret doing so.

As soon as my eyes lock with his, lust
fills my system at the dark intensity with which he was staring at me.

Focus on the matter at hand? My subconscious barks back at me.

As I keep looking at his eyes, I unconsciously feel my tongue swiping across my lower lip and watch Sidharth’s expression darken further as he closes his eyes momentarily.

When he finally opens them, there is
a sense of resolve behind them and he speaks up “Shehnaaz, I’m asking you for the last time. What. Is. Your. Past. With. The. Malhotra’s?” He spoke every word with such domineering edge that waves of anger cloaked me.

How dare he demand that answer? Who was I to him anyway? This wasn’t even a fling.

“What makes you think that I will tell you that?” I emphasize the word ‘you’ and counter back through gritted teeth because I was literally one step away from losing my shit.

“Because I said so” Being the arrogant bastard he is, of course, he will respond to me like that. His smug expression also annoyed me because as much as I would love to ignore it, he knew how much control he had over me and this is exactly the reason why I avoided getting attached to people. As soon as they realize the emotional hold that they have over you, they start using it against you.

I release a sarcastic laugh and look at him dead in the eye and say “So what? Who are you even? Just because you make me come occasionally doesn’t mean that I will open up to you about my past”

I watch his smug expression replacing his face with an arctic expression.

In any other circumstances, I would’ve withered away at his harsh cold stare but today that wasn’t going to happen. If only he knew how much hurt and agony I have bottled over years of anger and frustration.

I knew from the beginning that there was no chance of there ever being an ‘us’. I knew that one day it will all be over yet I still feel like I want to hit myself for ending this sooner. I know how much my words affected him and just like that, I play him at his own game. I know after what I said, he will come up with something even harsher, but I had to face it.

I wanted him to remember me as a normal person with issues. What I did not want was for him to remember me as some cold-blooded murderer.

Finally, he lets out a humorless chuckle and shakes his head in amusement which confuses me. But all my confusion is gone when he says.

“You know what your problem is, Shehnaaz?” He looks me dead in the eye as he leans forward with his elbows resting on the table and inches further towards me from his chair and continues “You are just too afraid of letting me in because deep inside you still haven’t let your past aside. You love to run away from your problems and blame them on others. If you think for one second that I’m asking you this because I care then I’m really sorry. You have it all wrong. All I care about is this project which I don’t want to jeopardize because of whatever crappy past you have with Sameer”

As soon as all the words leave his mouth, I feel my glare breaking and a strange pain in my chest.

Why was I feeling like this? He is indeed right. Why would anyone even bother to care about someone as broken as me?

The jokes on you Shehnaaz!

____