Someday

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When I went home my mom was pretty upset that I didn't come home. She said she was worried but I'm sure she didn't care.

I've concluded that she doesn't really care what happens to me. It's pretty obvious in the way she treats me. She just likes to have control and not knowing where I am at all times really cuts at the leash that she's so desperately holding onto to keep me in check.

She thankfully didn't mention any drugs and when I went to search for them, they were right where I left them.

The whole day though, I was trying my best not to think of what I said to Eddie.
I didn't remember right away but little bits started to come back to me throughout the day. I can't remember it perfectly but I just know I told him enough. Enough I didn't exactly plan on telling him.

So going to school I was being cautious. I showed up extra early and made sure I didn't see his van. Then I waited by Ms. Kelly's office until our little session.

I did the assignment she kept asking of me.

I did exactly how she asked. It wasn't really what I believed. It was more of a dream. My unrealistic dream but she seemed to be satisfied nonetheless.

She did start to ask me more about home life. She really pushed today which I'm not sure why. My guess is that she'll try to talk to me more about that next session and I'm not looking forward to it.

When I was walking out I didn't expect it to be the worst day. First Ms. Kelly starts to push and wants me to open up and now by my luck I happen to see Eddie walking down the hall.

Class was just about to start so I'm sure he's heading to class but the thing is, Eddie has never seen me going to see Ms. Kelly. I don't think he even knows I'm seeing her. I mean- it's not like I'd tell him but by some luck, he's never seen me talk to her or come out of her office but today he did and I tried my best to ignore him by putting on my headphones from my Walkman.

*

One month and two weeks ago..

I woke up today for once in a good mood and decided for once this week to make myself breakfast that isn't just cereal.

I sat in comfortable silence just eating the eggs with the avocado toast I prepared for myself.

Seeing since my mom isn't here. I'm not sure where she is.

I finish and clean my dishes and decide to go to my room and finally tidy up.

It's been an absolute mess. It looks like someone tossed most of my clothes all over and a bag of trash.

There are wrappers of snacks all over and my clothes sprawled all over the place.

Eating isn't the easiest thing to do yet but I'm trying and currently, I'm at a moment where I don't eat meals exactly but I'll eat a whole bunch of snacks while crying. Then I'll want to cry some more because I feel guilty and fat over what I ate.

Today though I feel like I can finally go the day without crying over him. Yesterday I cried once and today I think I feel okay. Of course still pretty shitty on the inside but I don't think I'll be bringing on the waterworks tonight.

.

I was almost done cleaning my room when I heard the doorbell ring.

Odd. Zach wouldn't ring because I know he still has his house keys. My mom didn't fight him to hand those over and I know she noticed they were gone. I think it's because she secretly hopes he'll come back and see her despite her crazy outburst but of course, he never does. Not on purpose at least.

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