Note To Self

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The kitchen cabinets bang closed as I reach around to each one. I'm searching for something. I open the pantry door and scan it's insides, my eyes land on a few chocolate bars and I decide it's perfect.

I'm going over to Kenny's house for the first time, and I wanted to bring something for him.

Stan had reluctantly showed me his address, but he advised I go in the daylight. I didn't like that idea, so I told him I could handle myself. He's walking home in the dark, why can't I? He lives in a bad part of town, he had told me, but I have yet to see that for myself.

I can handle myself.

I put the gifts in my backpack and run to the door.

"I'm going out for a bit!" I yell to my mom in the living room.

"It's dark hun, where are you going"?

"Just to a friends". I say as I shut the door already outside of it, not wanting her to tell me no.

I pull up the directions and shove my headphones into my ears.

"I hate— your mom— I hate it when she opens her mouth
It's amazing to me how much you can say
when you don't know what your talking about...

But I feel something when I see you now
I feel something when I see you..

I used to light you up—
Now I can't even get you to play
the drums

'Cause I don't know what I want
Until I fuck it up"...

The music bumps in my ears as I shiver in the wind.

I'm still wearing what I was earlier in the day, not bothering to change, but putting on makeup either way. My legs are bare and I see the goosebumps start to rise.

I feel warm though, maybe its the weather— maybe I'm used to it— or maybe its the warmth I feel rising in my chest the closer I get to Kenny's house.

"No longer a danger to herself or others—
She made up her mind and laced up her shoes
Yelled down the hall, but nobody answered
So she walked outside without an excuse..

She could do anything she wants to
She could do whatever she wants to do

She could go home, but she's not going to"..

My thoughts are calmed as the music soothes my soul, and before I know it I'm standing outside his house.

Me: I'm outside.

I walk up to the door and knock on it before he even gets the chance to read the message.

A woman wearing a trucker hat opens it and looks at me. I can't read the expression on her face but I have the feeling I was not who she expected.

"Hi, I just moved here— is Kenny home?" I ask the woman I'm assuming is his mother.

"Oh yeah, you must be the girl I hear so much about". She snickers to herself.

My face warms as I follow her inside. It's a small place, very lived in. There's dirt and cracks on the walls and I smell a cheap air freshener stick around the living room. A man— who I'm assuming is Kenny's father— is passed out on the couch, beer in hand, as well as scattered around him.

Before I can even think about the image I'm looking at Kenny and a little girl walk into the room.

There's a shy looking girl maybe around the age of nine walking behind him, hand in hand trying to hide from me, from behind Kenny's long legs.

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