Dance For Me

Chapter 39

Camila

I don't feel safe.

I don't feel wanted.

I don't feel good enough.

I don't feel at home with myself.

I don't feel like I belong with anyone.

I don't feel like I am me when I am not with you.

I couldn't help those poisonous affirmations circulating my brain take control. I stood facing my own reflection in the studio mirror and continued to chant them in my mind until I hated myself. I did this often, when things went wrong I'd remind myself that it was probably my fault

I traced my eyes down against every single curve of my body, the dips in my collarbones, the dents in my stomach. I found a reason to despise every inch. This wasn't a habit anymore, this was a ritual, a reason for me to stay humble as I stood shoulder to shoulder with my own reflection

The moment I met my own brown eyes in the mirror, I felt resolution with the bitter taste of grief. The after party of an event I wasn't entirely sold on revealed a deep routed network of problems I appeared to be the centre of. It felt like home to me, the agony a confusing comfort blanket I was used to

Stretching out my fingers, I could feel the crunching pain of bruised knuckles and strained ligaments. I could still see the crisp red blood that ran down Emma's chin, it ruined her dress and painted her hands like falling rain

I was the cause

I could still see Lauren's blazing green eyes as Fallon's strong arm wrapped around her rib cage. The strain on her usually expressionless face resembling that of a soldier guarding her homeland. Nikki too, screwed up with a heavy rage I could tell her to be holding inside for another day

I was the cause

I tried to stare at myself a little longer, torture myself into realising just how much of a mess I had caused. The salty tears made me blind however, swallowing my eyes until I had to step back and cover my face with two palms. I was no longer connected to reality, I felt as if in a bubble of pain, tuned into another universe while my own still stood around me

I could hear the door beside me open, but I didn't bother to look at who had entered. I just stood, staring out into the mirror once again with red stained cheeks and salty tears filling the crease my two lips made as they sat together in a perplexing silence

"Let her go" I heard Fallon speak, crisp clunking heels making their way towards me "Whatever version of yourself is making you feel this pain, she's no longer needed"

I couldn't

"It's all my fault" I mumbled, standing as still as a statue "All of it?"

Velvety fingertips crept along my palm and laced around my own, holding just tight enough for my eyes to meet the woman beside me in the mirror. She was tall, powerful and strong. Maybe the reason I hated her so much at first was because of how badly I wanted to be just like her

She allowed me a rare smile "Bad people don't deserve the innocent taking blame for traits they managed to uncover"

"Lauren could have lost everything" I was numb

Fallon squeezed a little harder "She lost nothing Camila, she never would have" her voice remained soft "You see, Lauren has far too many people who care for her and her success"

My brow curved "I heard her say it" I admit, proving I had been listening for longer than I should have been "She was passionate"

Fallon let go of my hand to face me, those bright eyes once a threat now an overwhelming sense of safety "There is not a soul in this entire academy that would allow that girl to fall" she began, and I could feel the love for Lauren in her eyes as she spoke "We would all take a bullet to make sure this academy remains in the hands of her passionate heart, just as you did when playing hero with your fist"