Obey Me: Little Random Scenes And Thoughts

Not Obey Me related. Just me.

I am so sad and depressed lately. I just wanted to write my feelings down to vent and have someone just listen. It's obvious that the economy is bad and people are trying to make ends meet. I'm in that boat. My boyfriend of 9 years is constantly working. He puts in at least 15 hours of work a day, if not more. Sometimes he doesn't even come to bed. He will sleep for less than 5 hours and go straight back to work. I work a retail job and have picked up a Hostess job as well. I am getting inconsistent hours even though I keep telling them I need more. I usually get around 28-35 hours and paid weekly but it doesn't even make it until the next week before I am out of money again. Most of the time I'm actually in the negative before payday.

I'm lucky to have my parents because they actually make sure they take me grocery shopping once or twice a month so I can have food to eat. A coworker even brought food for me to take home because I didn't have anything. I have been trying to apply for food stamps but it's a longer process than I was anticipating.

The last time my bf and I went on a date was over a month ago and that is when we took our dog to the park for 2 hours. Our last real date... I don't even remember. He works too much and I work a lot. Even though we live in the same house, we never see each other. His office is in the basement and it's too crowded down there for me to spend time, plus someone has to take care of the rest of the house. We have been unable to afford birthday or Christmas presents for each other and we haven't gone out to dinner, drinks, movies, etc in over 5 months.

Our rent is $900 a month plus utilities... I have a car payment of $295, my insurance is $165, my phone is $68, and I have a loan in collection and they take $50 out of my paycheck every 2 weeks. Plus, I'm the only one that drives so taking him to jobs an hour away and going to work 20 minutes away on a highway, I have to use a lot of $$ for gas.

I can't help pay any of the utilities or rent because I can't afford to pay for all of my bills myself. I have also gained a bit of weight and only have 1 pair of jeans I can fit in (for work and everyday), a few tshirts, two work shirts, and one pair of shorts. I usually just end up wearing workout leggings that still fit. So I feel ugly all the time and have to force myself into tight clothes.

I don't know what any of the above things have to do with why today was the day to write this. I guess it's been building up for a while. Today, I realized how sad I am. We were supposed to go to the store to buy snacks to pack up for the Drive In movies today. I have been excited about it for about a week, planning the whole thing. Today, I checked my bank account because I needed to pay the remainer of my car payment to make sure it doesn't get taken for repo, and found out, I only have $39 in my bank account. So I have to wait for my bf to get paid so he can give me the $$ he borrowed from me when I got paid yesterday. He borrowed to to get tickets to see a comedian with his dad for Father's Day. It cost $166 and he doesn't get paid until later today. Once I get my $166 back, I have to use $100 to pay for the rest of my car payment. My boyfriend then got upset because that meant I would have no money to help with bills because I need the rest for gas and such.

Today, I had to cancel our first date (the drive in) in months. No more drive in... Also was supposed to go to Pride Fest in a local town... I can no longer do that either. Instead, I have to take my bf to his parents while he goes to the comedy show with his dad and friend and I get to hangout in his parent's guest room.

I'm not mad at him for going or anything. I'm getting my $$ back but it just sucks that I had to cancel all of our activities together (the things I wanted to do) because I feel guilty for not helping with bills. My bf works his ass off and is so stressed, tired, and upset all the time. I want to let him have his fun, but sometimes it sucks because I have to make sacrifices and I don't get to go anywhere or do anything but work.

We haven't talked since I messaged him saying that we aren't going to the drive in or Pride tomorrow.

As I'm typing this, I'm got a text from my cousin telling me she can't wait to hang out at Pride... I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what to tell myself.
I can't talk to my bf, I can't talk to my friends, I can't talk to my parents... I can write it though.

I feel better getting it off my chest, but it still hurts.