Fan Service [Chan]

Chapter 24

I stared at myself in the mirror. There was so much of myself being revealed. I hadn't even chosen one of the more scandalous pieces he'd bought for me.

Chan had been ready to use me. He was going to bring me along so he could get out of the fan service evenings, but then humiliate me in front of everyone. He'd known that I needed to try to reconstruct my reputation. He'd known that the businesses I worked with pulled out over a sex scandal, and yet, he'd chosen clothing that would objectify me in the media even further. He hadn't wanted to help me at all. He hadn't even bothered to just leave me alone. He had planned to purposefully make it worse for me.

I touched the door handle, ready to make him confront his mistake head-on, but froze. My chest was exposed. My heart raced and it took me a few minutes worth of deep breathing to calm down.

I reached for the handle again. But this time it wasn't just the idea of my exposure but who would see it. The feelings I had for Chan hadn't disappeared. They were still there, just currently masked by my resentment for this choice of his. The thought of Chan seeing me made me even more anxious, for both the reason behind the outfit and also the normal worries people had when they revealed themselves to someone for the first time.

But I finally grasped the handle for a third time and flung the door open. I walked into the room with my head high and stood in front of him as he sat in a chair facing away from me.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" I spat. "Don't act so shy now."

"Ella, please. I'm so sorry," he apologized again. I walked around the chair to stand in front of him. I covered my chest, still nervous about him seeing it despite the fact that I'd walked into the room so aggressively.

It didn't matter that I was covering myself, though. Chan had his head down and his hands were covering his eyes.

"It does not matter to me that you didn't know about my panic attacks back then or about how sensitive I am about people seeing or touching me. You knew that I needed to repair my reputation to win back my clients. You would've had me mocked and objectified on a mass scale when I'd done nothing to you."

"I'm sorry," he apologized. It sounded like he was crying.

"You got jealous that I hugged my friend yesterday. You got jealous that Seungmin and I were in the same room. And yet you were going to let me parade around paparazzi and fans borderline naked for your amusement?" I was crying now. His behavior was so frustrating and the fact that the only justification he had was that he was "mad" pissed me off even more.

"You told me JYP would ruin me if I broke the NDA. You told me that knowing you were going to dress me like this, knowing my reputation was the only thing I was worried about."

Chan said nothing and offered no explanation.

"Look at me," I demanded. He needed to see what he'd planned on forcing upon me.

"Ella, I don't want to," he argued.

"Look!" I shouted, and Chan reluctantly dropped his hands from his face. He looked regretful and pained as he realized what he'd done. His eyes went from my skirt and its obnoxious slit up to the lace and mesh of the body suit. My hands kept me from being completely exposed. And then he looked up at my face and saw the hurt I felt.

I took a deep breath and dropped my hands to my sides.

Chan closed his eyes.

"What did I do to deserve this?" I wailed and stormed back to the bathroom.

Chan didn't come after me. He didn't even say anything. He'd messed up irreparably with absolutely no warranted reason for treating me this way.

I sat on the counter of the bathroom. We would have to leave soon for the concert. I felt numb. I had only been on this trip for a short while, and I was already mentally exhausted. Chan was exhausting. He was frustrating and firey and cruel.

But then again, just earlier today he had been so gentle and empathetic. I still didn't know which was the real Chan. Maybe it was both and depended on the day.

That would be worse, I decided. If I got used to sweet Chan, the mean one could catch me off guard at any time like he had today.

There was a tap at the bathroom door, and I grabbed a towel off the hook and held it in front of myself.

"Come in."

Chan walked in with his eyes closed. He took a couple of steps forward but tripped over my sweatpants that I had been wearing that were on the ground. He stumbled forward and opened his eyes to catch his fall. He fell straight towards me and I instinctively held out my hands to catch him.

The towel I had been holding fell and Chan looked down to watch it hit the ground. It felt like everything happened in slow motion. His eyes trailed up slowly and I felt my breath hitch as I moved to cover myself again before he could see any more of me.

"I'm sorry," he said and closed his eyes again.

"Get out," I shouted.

"Ella," he began with his eyes still closed, "how can I fix this? I've already requested a new outfit be sent up. What else can I do to make you see that I am sorry?"

I didn't know what to say. I knew that he was sorry. I knew he wouldn't have chosen this for me to wear today, but he would've if I'd gone to the show the other night. I was still the same person. He just had no regard for anyone but himself.

I reached out and took his hand. I opened it and gave him back his bracelet.