Fan Service [Chan]

Chapter 34

As I explained, I tried to remain as detached as possible. I tried to stray away from how the incidents had made me feel and focus on just explaining what had happened.

Chan sniffed behind me. I had tried not to look at him because I didn't want to break down, at least not until I had finished going over everything.

He stayed quiet for the most part and just let me talk. He would offer a supportive squeeze every now and again. It helped.

"So...that's it," I ended my explanations and finally allowed myself to face him. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had tears running down his cheeks. His eyes were puffy from crying. He let out a sob when my eyes met his.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He held my face to his chest, so I couldn't look at him crying.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he stammered.

He continued to hold me for a moment but eventually released me. I gazed up at him, and he was a mess. I wiped the tears away and pulled him in for a kiss. He held me in his lap with a hand on my waist.

"I have lived with those memories for years. They make me sad. They sometimes get triggered like you saw the other day, but I'm usually pretty numb to them at this point," I explained, an answer to his question.

"Do you have panic attacks often?" he asked.

"Not as much. But that's because, after the last incident, I stopped doing anything with men. I stopped dating. I got a job where I could work from home. I only went to concerts with majority-female audiences. I joined a predominantly female gym with female coaches. I basically avoided men at all cost to avoid getting hurt again. I've learned what my triggers are and stay away from them when I can."

Chan looked pained and moved his hand from my waist to the bed. He looked scared to touch me, and I now saw in him what he must've seen in me earlier.

"I'm not made of glass," I recited what he'd said earlier.

He returned his hand to my waist, and I took a deep breath. It was a heavy conversation, but I felt free. It felt like the wall that had been keeping me from fully committing or investing in our relationship had been torn down, and now I could just exist with him. I smiled.

"Why do you look so happy?" he laughed while he cried some more.

"It felt good to share that with you. I don't feel weighed down by it anymore," I told him. I leaned forward and kissed him again. His lips were plumper from the crying.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that," he sniffled.

I just rested my head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat again. It had become calming for me.

"And I'm sorry that I gave you a panic attack. I shouldn't have..."

"You didn't do anything," I repeated. "If you had, I wouldn't have been able to do what we did earlier. I wouldn't have felt safe enough."

Chan nodded and laid back on his pillow. His hand stroked my head as I leaned down to rest on him

"I was wondering why I never found anyone else to, uhm," I tried to find the right words, "reveal that much of myself to."

Chan didn't interrupt. He just listened.

"I'd had a few dates in Boston, but never did more than kiss a couple of them. I'd dated a lot in Mississippi but it was the same. Every time it got to the point where we would need to move forward or call it, I always called it."

I looked closely at him. Searched for what the reason was that I could trust him. Wondered what made Chan different. "You never pushed me. Even when you hated me. You've been patient and didn't try to make me do what I wasn't ready for.

"I mean, that should be the bare minimum, Ella," Chan reminded me in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

"I know, but there's so many people who don't get that. It's especially hard to find someone you're attracted to and like as a person who also doesn't try to force anything. Finding all three hasn't been possible for me until now."

Chan bit his lip, "You think I'm attractive?"

I playfully hit his chest, "I'm baring my soul to you and that's your takeaway?"

"I didn't hear a 'no' in that sentence?" he teased.

"Obviously I think you're attractive," I rolled my eyes.

"It's probably the second-best compliment you've given me."

"What's the first?" I asked.

"That you chose to trust me. With fixing your reputation and your secrets and..." his voice trailed off.

The way he was looking at me made my heart pound. It was the same hungry look he'd given me earlier.

I looked between his eyes and lips and moved forward. "Kiss me," I whispered.

We lay side-by-side, and Chan moved forward and kissed me slowly and passionately as he had earlier. One hand remained on my waist sending electric currents through my body, awakening me.

Everything in me was yelling at me to pull him closer. I wrapped my arm around his torso and pulled myself into him. My chest was against his chest. My waist was against his waist.

I moaned into a kiss, and he moved his hand from my waist to tangle in my hair.

My hands found their way down his chest to the hem of his shirt. I wanted to feel him. I drew it up and Chan ripped it off of himself as he rolled me over to my back.

Our lips stayed together and his tongue explored my mouth. I opened my legs for him to lean into me.

"More," I sighed.

One of his hands cupped my breast through my shirt, but I wanted more. I raised my arms above my head, and Chan realized what I wanted.

He pulled my sweater...his sweater... off quickly, and his eyes grazed over the bra that I had on...the one I wish I'd been wearing earlier.

It was white lace and see-through. He let out a growl as he cupped my breast, and his thumb circled my nipple. It hardened under his touch.

I pulled him closer though, I wanted to feel his skin on my skin. I'd never felt so free before.

I began undoing the buttons on my jeans. Chan looked down and watched me as I tried to wiggle out of them.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I kissed him, and he separated us for a moment to take off my pants. Leg by leg they were removed until they fell to the floor with a loud thud. Chan was now looking at the matching thong that I had on. Just the white lingerie set and his bracelet covered me.

"Ella," he whined as he took in my body in front of him. I sat up to kneel on the bed in front of him. I kissed his neck and undid the tie on his sweatpants.

Chan dropped them to the floor.

He was just wearing the black boxers I'd given him earlier. My heart raced. Butterflies flew around, and I wondered what it would be like, to be with Chan in that way.

He kissed me sweetly while still standing beside the bed. His sweatpants at his feet.

"We don't have to do anything, Ella," he offered. "I will take whatever you want to give me. But you don't owe me anything. We don't have to do anything."

"I know," I muttered. "That's why I want to do it with you."