The Madness of Bellatrix Lestrange

Pale White

Sometimes, when I'm sleeping
I still, feel you breathing
You stole, all my good dreams
I don't care, I'd let you take it

I just wanna love you
Don't wanna lose me
Don't wanna lose you, whoa oh
If it gets harder
Then I don't wanna break all alone
I wanna break in your arms
Christina Perri
"I Don't Wanna Break"

White

My face as all the coloured drained from it. I felt a pounding in my head as my heart beat a fast pace. The panicked pace of a liar, of an adulteress caught. I could barely hear him for the whooshing sound in my ears. My blood being pumped furiously through my body. Blackness swam at the edges of my vision but I refused to succumb to it .

"...BELLATRIX answer me ! What's wrong with you?!"

I shook myself back into the present. "DammitBella " I scolded myself . "Be calm."

"I -what?"

"Where. Is. Your. Wedding. Ring?"

I looked down at my hand. I already knew it was gone. Knew where it was. In his cloak pocket. His being Lucius' and it was there because I cheated on my husband again.

"Shit ." I whispered as though surprised to see it missing. "I took a bath right before you got home I took it off and I guess I forgot to put it back on?" I said it as a question not a definitive statement  . DammitBella. I had in fact taken a bath . That much was true. I had arrived a little before Rod had gotten home and though we, we being Lucius and I , had already rested together in a long bath , I took another one with the intention of washing the scent of him off me.

I'm an awful person. No, I'm just a person. A person who was forced into a marriage for the sake of blood purity. A girl ripped  from the arms of the one she actually loved and forced onto another.

I had never intended on Rodolphus loving me. I surely never planned on falling for him in return. Not just falling, but loving. Loving meant feeling guilty . Feeling guilty meant my mind was constantly being torn to shreds and I was quickly losing myself. That blackness that crept in during moments like this, I could feel it. Each time it took a bit of me . It didn't leave a vacuum of space either. Something dark took up residence in that spot everytime.

"...Bellatrix!" His hands were on me now , Id been in my own head wrestling with guilt during all he had said and he'd somehow closed the gap between us . His touch brought me round- it was gentle not angry.

"Belle " he stroked my face and placed the back of a hand to my forehead. "You do feel a bit warm but you take such scalding baths that I can't tell if it's a fever or just from you nearly boiling yourself.

I did.  As if I could scald the sin off my body.

"Come on" he said , wrapping a strong arm around my back and leading me to the couch. He sat down and pulled me down onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me again. He kissed my head softly and rested his face against it for a long moment without saying anything. After the silence he took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. I had calmed against him but his sigh rattled me.

"Belle. Are you okay? Im worried about you."  He kissed my head again, his lips lingering against me as he pondered how to continue.

"You just...you're not yourself lately baby. And you keep... Breaking down. " he squeezed me tightly and I hated myself for what I had become.

My breathing quickened and deepened and my face flushed with emotion. I didn't respond, couldn't . When I get in these states I either go into an eerie calm such as now where I can't get out of my head , can't speak, I feel as though I can't move if I had to- or the hyper panicked sobbing, yelling state. Both are accompanied by the creeping blackness at my mind that robs me of pieces of myself.