Daylight (Calum Hood fanfic)

Chapter 40

A/N: Guys this is the one. This the chapter that gives its name to the book and you should really listen to the song at the same time

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Calum's POV:

My head was whirling and I pushed my way out of the room. I'd been to Rafaël's several times before, so I knew my way around, but there were so many people and my thoughts were such a mess that it took me a while to find the staircases leading to the bedrooms upstairs. Rafaël had clearly stated no-one was allowed upstairs, so I guessed I would be left alone and in peace there. As soon as I walked into the empty corridor, a sigh passed through my lips and I leaned against the wall miserably. I couldn't think straight. My mind was filled with anger and sorrow and Cami's blue eyes and resentment and her lips and hurt and confusion and longing. I didn't know what to make of it and I just wished Mike was here. But he hated parties and had stayed home. Fuck that. I would have called him, but my phone was nowhere to be found. So I just took a deep breath and tried to organize my thoughts.

First off, I replayed the scene that had just taken place. Cami had actually come up and tried to excuse herself for her behavior. I couldn't believe the nerve of the girl. It was one thing to play me, it was another to pretend to be sorry only so that she could make a total fool out of me again. Suddenly I was reminded Grace's comment about hearing Cami cry in the bathroom. I was reminded the hurt on her face as I basically told her to fuck off, except meaner. But I couldn't help it. I mean, I had to have some sense of self-defense! I wasn't about to let her break my heart all over again!

But what if she'd actually meant it? What if she truly was sorry for what she'd done? Her words kept replaying in my mind: "and then I liked you and I was confused..." Had she really liked me then? It hadn't all been an act. But in some way, I'd always known that. She couldn't have made everything up. But that fact just made it that much harder to accept that she'd been able to fuck it all up for a dare. She might have appreciated my company, but she'd mocked me and left me in the dust all the same. And then been cold towards me until she suddenly got drunk and said she was sorry. Like, what the fuck? Was she trying to kill me? It was a bit too late to feel remorseful, or jealous of the girls hanging off my arms. Not that I actually wanted any of them. Because despite everything I told myself, she was still the only one I wanted.

Mike had told me something a week ago about Cami. About how she'd gotten me exactly where she wanted me. Always keeping me on my toes, giving me just enough to get addicted but not enough to be satisfied. And now I was suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms. Whatever she'd done to me, I wasn't remotely close from breaking free from it. And despite knowing it was wrong and that all it would do is hurt me, I couldn't help but wishing I could be in her arms again.

But in the end, I knew these thoughts were meaningless. Because despite my desires and remnants of love – who was I kidding, the love I still felt – it wouldn't lead anywhere. Even if she did like me... Even if she had sincerely started to like me...I couldn't. I couldn't take another chance on her. Because I wasn't ready to start again, and I doubted I ever could. She had positively ruined me.

"Calum?" The friendly voice broke off my trail of thought and I looked up into Rafaël's brown eyes. "Hey man, what are you doing up here?"

"Oh sorry, I know you didn't want us up here," I briefly excused myself, while not really being sorry at all.

"It's fine. It was mostly so people didn't start fucking in my bedroom. What's up?"

"Was just thinking," I shrugged, wondering if he was gonna leave me alone.

There must have been something in my voice because his eyebrows furrowed and he shrugged.

"Alright, you do you. Just...don't take a girl up here."

When I didn't answer, he sent me another look, slightly worried this time.

"Do you need anything?"

"Do you have Mike's number?" I asked him.

"Yeah. Don't have your phone?"

"Left it somewhere downstairs."

"Ah yeah, the place is a mess. Guess you'll find it tomorrow. Here," he said, handing me the phone.

"Thanks. What were you doing up here?"

"I was gonna grab something from my room. I'll just go do that while you make your call, yeah?"

I waved him off and called Mike up.

"Hello? Rafaël?" Came my best friend's voice slightly groggily. "Please don't tell me you drunk-dialed me because your party sucks without me. I love you but no."

"It's Calum."

"Cal?"

"Yeah."

There was a silence.

"Is something wrong? Did something happen?"

I took a sharp breath, about to spill everything, when Rafaël came back from his room. I pursed my lips.

"Never mind," I mumbled. "Talk to you later."

I ended the call before Mike had a chance to reply and handed the phone back to the host of the party, following him down the stairs again. The party was still going strong, but as I almost subconsciously swept my eyes across the room, I didn't see Cami or any of her friends for that matter. Not that I really wanted to see them anyway. I saw Grace approach me out of the corner of my eye and took a split-second decision.

I almost jogged in my hurry to get away from the party. I needed some fresh air, and I needed to stop thinking so much. So I went over to where I'd parked Betty, figuring I'd just come back for my phone later.

I started up the bike and immediately a relieved smile spread across my face. At least she would always be there for me. The engine roared as I accelerated, and I started my race against the stars, the wind whipping my face deliciously. Little after little I could feel my worries and cares leaving me as I sped on. Betty always made me feel so free. Free of my problems, free of society's bounds, free of my body. It was amazing. I grinned up at the dimly lit half-moon, silently thanking the night for letting me cherish those precious seconds of pure, unaldurated contentment.

Too bad I didn't see the car.

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*laughs forever at the cliffhanger*