Divergent | No War

22 - Nightmares

Tobias
"Tobias. Son. Wake up!" I hear my mothers voice. She sounds hushed and worried. I open my eyes. She looks down at me worried. "What is it?" I ask still dizzy from sleep. She sigh and leans back on my bed. "You screamed in your dream. The whole time you screamed her name and sobbed and cried. And you just didn't wake up." I frown. I try to remember what i dreamed but its wiped from my mind. "I am sorry. I-..." i trail off. She looks at me and lies her hand on mine. "Its not your fault." She looks me up and down. "You don't look good." I roll my eyes. "Well thank you..." she sighs. "You know what i mean. You are pale and look thin. Also i noticed that you barely talk to the others. Don't you have any friends?" I roll my eyes. "I am not in preschool okay? I can take care of my self. You don't need to watch whether i have friends or whether i look pale. You had that chance." The last sentence i only mutter so she doesn't hear it. She strokes my forehead and for a second it feels just like Tris' hand that always stroked my hair from my forehead. I force the tears to vanish and look at my mother. She looks at me concerned. "You know sometimes i ask myself whether it was the right desicion to leave that girl of yours behind." I turn my head away because tears already dare to spill. "Its not like i had a desicion!" I say and burry my head in my pillow. I feel her thin hand on my back. "Tobias, you never really told me the reason you left. Why did you leave her behind if you love her so much?" I shake my head and burry my head deeper in the pillow because again tears flow over my face. "You can tell me." She says softly and strokes my back. I sigh and sit up. "Well, we kept fighting again and again because i kept my meetings with you a secret and theb after a really bad fight i got drunk together with my friend and aparently i cheated on her in that night. With an initiate!" I burry my head in my hands. "I destroyed everything!" By now i am fully sobbing. Evelyn wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me towards her. "You made a fault. Everyone makes faults. Your life is not over because of that." I shake my head. "My life with Tris is!" I sob. She sighs and combs my hair with her fingers. "But you can do that. You will stand straight and find a better girl." I push her away from me. "There is no one better than tris! No one! Not one girl is more perfect than Tris! She is pure perfection. She loves me and i love her. We had something special and i destroyed it!" At this moment i suddenly can't hold back anymore and more tears flow on my face and into my pillow. "Oh Tobias..." my mother coes and rubs my back again.

After a while evelyn leaves and i am alone again. I pull my pillow over my head. I tryed. I tryed and i failed. Tris now hates me. For a reason. Nothing will ever be the same again. And i try to live a new life. I really do but i just can't manage that. I miss her so much. I sigh and close my eyes - hoping that i find some calming dreams.

I run through the dauntless compound and scream her name. Again and again. I keep seeing parts of her. A shoe here, a bit of her long golden hair there. Suddenly i turn another corner and there she is. Unlocking her apartment. I smile and jog towards her but i can't move. I just run on the same place. "Tris!" I shout. Her head wips in the other direction. Another boy runs towards her. I don't know him. He lies an arm around her hip and smiles at her. "Hey my love." Tris says and presses her lips on his. I gasp and watch him kiss back. He leans her against the wall and deepens the kiss. No! That is my part! I scream her name again and feel like someone just ripped out my heart when i watch Tris kiss that other boy with so much love and passion. No no no! She has to love me! I fall to my knees. Now she really is gone forever.
I wake with a gasp. My face is still wet from the tears. I sit up in my bed and see that rain drops against the dirty window. The autmn is going to end soon and then the winter will come. My most hated time lf the year. I thought that maybe tris could convince me other wise this winter. Aparently i was wrong.

In the evening i wrap my coat around my shoulders and step out into the cold wind. "Tobias. Where are you going?" Evelyn asks me. I turn around. "I am just going for a walk. I need some time to think." She slowly nods and closes the door.
I walk towards the dauntless compound. This time i thought of puting the necklace in a pocket with a ziper. Since the time i nearly got spot in that building i never watched her again. I always felt weird looking at her when she doesn't know i am there. But today i just want to see that she is okay. I put my hand on the ice cold concrete and pull myself up to the third floor. Behind Tris window is only a small light on. I slowly crawl closer and peek through the window. In the next second i wish i didn't. Tris sits on the black couch and next to her Jonas. With one hand he holds hers while his other lies on her neck. He slowly leans forward and all i want is to close my eyes and run away. I want that this is a dream and tris is not going to kiss Jonas. But its not a dream and in the next second i see how her lips meet his. Here at the factionless i saw a lot of things but not one of them was as painfull as this. My tris is kissing jonas. Jonas! Tears shoot into my eyes. This can't be true! Of course i should have thought of that. Of course she would move on at some point. I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my coat. I want to look away but i can't. Like a magnet theses two people there pull my look towards them.
They kiss for a bit longer and every time their lips touch my heart crumbles a bit more.
After a while Jonas stands up and walks out but not without pressing a kiss to tris lips first.
When he is gone tris walks over to the window and opens it. I duck behind the big stone and wtach her trough a hole in that stone. She looks out in the nights sky and even in the dark i can see that she good even thiner and paler and that her eyes lost the last sparkle. I probably look exactly the same. How does jonas not notice that? I hear her sigh and when i look at her again i see tears rolling down her cheeks. She burries her head in her hands and my heart clenches. Her tiny but strong body gets racked by sobs and she looks so lost. I was wrong. Not seeing tris kiss Jonas is the worst thing. This is. Seeing her so broken and knowing that i am reason. I want to wrap my arms around her. Hold her close to me. Feel her golden hair between my fingers, feel her heart beat against my chest and her lips on my own. I press one hand to my chest. After a while she looks up again - her face still glistering with tears and she looks up at the night sky again. I look up the same time and i know that our eyes meet at the shooting star. And all i wish for is that one time i will hold tris in my arms again.