I never want to say goodbye; a John Laurens x Reader

Chapter 4

Warning: Anxiety and mental issues

John's POV

     After I finally got (Y/N) to go to sleep, I walked over to my bed and laid down. I started thinking of (Y/N) and how afraid she was of Jefferson. It made me upset. I would never do something like that to her. All these thoughts about (Y/N) kept me awake, so I started reading about turtles. Turtles are really cute and if you disagree with me I'll fight you. Anyway, just as I was dozing off, I hear a scream coming from (Y/N). I rush over to her to see her sitting up sweating, clutching her chest. "(Y/N)! What's going on!?" I yell. I'm terrified of what's happening. "I-I can't......b-breathe" she says, barely getting each word out. I'm even more scared than I was before, especially now since I don't know what to do.

(Y/N)'s POV

     I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I can't breathe. I'm having an anxiety attack. I scream, using what's left of my breath, hoping John can hear me. Luckily, he hears me and comes running over. "(Y/N)! What's going on!?" He yells. I can see the fear in his eyes. I'm clutching my chest. It feels as if my clothes are slowly tightening around my chest. "I-I can't..." I barely get the last word out, "....b-breathe." "Oh my god" John says. He doesn't know I have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and an eating disorder. At this point I'm crying, hoping that this will end soon. That John nows what to do once I tell him what's happening to me. "A-anxiety a-a-attack" I barely get out before I'm gasping for air.

John's POV

     I didn't know (Y/N) had anxiety. She never told me. Luckily, I have anxiety too so I know what to do. I quickly grab her and rub her back, calming her down. I play gentle music to help calm her down. I feel her breaths get longer and deeper, which means she's finally caught her breath. It's finally over. I lay her back down on her bed. "Are you okay now (Y/N)?" I ask her. "Yes, I'm fine now. How'd you know how to stop it?" She asks me.

     I don't want to tell her I have anxiety, but at this point I kind of have to. It's only fair. "I-I have anxiety t-too" I stutter. She looks up at me. Her eyes are red and puffy and her face is tear stained. She still looks beautiful though. "R-really?" She asks. I nod my head, not wanting to talk further on the subject. "I didn't know, you never told me" she tells me and pulls me into a hug. I put my face in the crook of her neck. I haven't told anyone that I have anxiety, not even my closest friends. She suddenly kissed my cheek. I turn a deep scarlet, not expecting it. I look at her one more time then get up to leave. "John wait" I hear behind me. "C-can you....stay? Please?" She asks me. "Of course I will" I tell her, heading back over. I lay next to her, and she snuggles up next to me, gripping onto me for dear life. 'Must've been a pretty bad attack' I think. I find myself wondering what caused it. I don't ask (Y/N), but trust me, I will tomorrow.

(Y/N)'s POV

I remember that I didn't tell John what caused it. I know he's wondering, but I don't want to tell him. I know he'll probably ask tomorrow, but at least I get the night to think of a lie to tell him. I don't want to tell him that my dream was of Thomas wrecking havoc because I have feelings for someone else. That someone else being John. I stop thinking about it for now. In the morning, I'll just tell him it was a bad dream. Hopefully he'll believe me. I fall asleep alongside John, holding as tight as I can, and try to push away the unimaginable.