I never want to say goodbye; a John Laurens x Reader

Chapter 16

And with that we leave and head back to our dorm.
Sorry this is gonna be super angst like most of my chapters
-------------------------------------------------------
(Y/N)'s POV

    When we get back to the dorm, John and I go straight to our beds, but I don't plan on sleeping. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. When I know John is asleep, I get out of bed. I use my phone flashlight to see. I walk around the dimly lit room. I finally find the door to the bathroom. I walk in and close the door behind me, not locking it this time.

     I turn off the light on my phone and turn on the bathroom light. I grab the razor off the sink and sit on the floor. I'm such a mess, I'm sitting on the bathroom floor crying with a razor in my hand. I don't deserve a life, especially not with John. He deserves better than me.

     I put the cold razor to my wrist. I cut deep, but it won't kill me. 1. I put it to my arm again and cut. 2. I wonder how many I can get away with. 3. 4. 5. I'm about to cut again when the door opens. "(Y/N)! Please no not again." It's John with tears running down his face. I drop the blade and crawl into his arms.

John's POV

      Something's wrong. I don't know what it is but something doesn't feel right. I sit up and look at (Y/N)'s bed. Her silhouette isn't there. I notice that the bathroom light is on. I figure she's just using the bathroom.

     A few minutes later she's still not back in her bed. I remember that her razor was still in the bathroom. Shit. I run in the darkness to the light coming out from under the door. I turn the doorknob. She didn't lock it this time. I start crying. What if I'm too late? What if she's dead? I can't lose her.

     I open the door and see (Y/N) sitting on the floor with the blade to her arm. "(Y/N)! Please no not again" I say, choking back tears. She looks at me and drops the blade. She crawls over to me and I wrap my arms around her.

     I gently grab her arm and look at the cuts. 5 more. I grab a tissue and wipe the blood from her arm. "Please don't do this again" I beg. "But why? I'm not needed here. The voice in the back of my head is telling me to do it. Even Thomas is telling me to do it" she stops and starts crying. "Thomas did what!?" I say, starting to get angry. "H-he texted me s-saying I should d-do it" she stutters.

     "Why would he do that" I ask calmly. "Because I texted him saying 'how does it feel to make someone want to kill themselves'" she says, holding back more tears. "Can I see the text messages?" I ask politely. "Sure" (Y/N) says as she hands me her phone.

You: How does it feel to make someone want to kill themselves?

Cheater 🙄: Terrible, mainly because they haven't followed through yet.

You: Well maybe I will this time instead of just cutting

Cheater 🙄: Alright go ahead

You: Maybe I'll hang myself with the noose I made

Cheater 🙄: Do it, I'm not going to try and stop you

     "Okay, 1. Why would someone say that? And 2. Where's the noose?" I ask her worried. "I don't know why someone would say that, and..." she trails off. "The noise is in the closet" she sighs. "Okay, here come with me" I say as I pick her up. I walk out of the bathroom with her in my arms. I put her on my bed and walk in the closet. I see the noose on the ground, so I pick it up and throw it away.

     I walk back over to (Y/N). "Hey (Y/N) can you promise me something?" I ask. "Yeah, what is it?" "Can you promise me that you won't kill yourself? I don't want to lose you" I say, fighting back tears. "I promise" she says with a weak smile. "Can I sleep with you tonight?" She asks. My eyes widen. "Not like that! Just, with you, so you're next to me."

     "Yeah, you can anytime you want. Also, I would've been fine with the other option too" I say jokingly. She laughs. "Maybe in the future, but not tonight" she says. "Aw man" I say laughing. She laughs even harder. We lay down. I wrap my arm around her and pray the moment never ends.