Die Trying

Cold Water

I jumped behind him and yanked his hair and jumped out of reach of his hands. Even when he is sleepy his movements are very precise. I realized a little too late that he had expected me to do that and he grabbed my hair and yanked. Obviously, I screamed because it hurt like heck. I was kicked onto my back completely winded James sitting on my stomach not bothering to restrain my legs knowing I can't do anything with them. His hands around my wrists pinning them above my head leaning over me he moved so he was leaning forward enough to look into my face. He got a lot closer to my face. I didn't think I would let anyone get this close to me again. Well, he did and then lightly pressed his lips to mine.

His hands loosened around my wrists and then slowly, so slow it was torture they slid down my arms and I took a sharp breath in when I felt his hands find a place on the back of my neck. The easiest way to escape this was to bite him but my body seemed to take over. As if it had been starving all its life and suddenly there was a huge dinner set out before me. I found to my surprise that my arms had wrapped around him and my hands were in his hair each of us pulling the other one closer. I felt one of his hands trace my spine and I shivered at the sensation of it all. Then I felt my face burn when his hand found its way under my shirt and was touching the skin on my lower back. I pulled away quickly and ran into the restroom.

I locked the door and walked over to the shower and sat down. It was like there was a cloud in my head and I needed to get it out. I reached up and pulled the cold water knob down as hard as I could and the cold water was like a shock to my body and it was like a reset. I suck in my breath as the water hits me but as the water hits me so do some new thoughts. I have been weak, everything I do is another act. I can't keep this up, I don't even know who the real me is because I have acted like a brave heroine, but underneath it all, I am so frightened of everything.

Knock! Knock! "Malean I am sorry, that shouldn't have happened." I turn off the water and realize I am shivering but what is the point? Why should I care if I am too cold or hot? "Malean please just open the door. What can I do Malean?" I snapped my head up at that. I know exactly what I want. I cracked the door open and looked at him and boy he looked awful. How long had I just been sitting in that tub that he could be in this state? Or was that because of me when we were... Umm kissing.

His hair was sticking out at all angles his eyes looked like they had lost that usual sparkle in his green eyes. Oh gosh, his shirt was ripped in several places and I know I did that. I bit my lip to keep my teeth from chattering and looked back up at his face instead of his chest. "Malean, are you okay?" I feel tears coming to my eyes and I fight them back down before he could see them. The cold water made my clothes stick to me like glue and I was beginning to feel a bit dizzy but that wasn't what he meant I don't think.

"Mentally I am screwed I don't know what to think. Who to trust, what to think of myself and my position. How I got myself here. Physically I feel like I have been cooped up in this room unable to do anything for 48 hours and I have about thirty days left just like the last and I feel the energy building up and I am mentally getting so stressed out by it. If you want to know what you can do this is it you can let me out of this gosh darn cage."

He scratched the back of his neck and I knew what that meant so I shut the door or at least tried to. He put his foot stopped the door so he opened the door took one look at me and ran into the room came back just as quickly with a blanket and new clothes. "I will be in the main room get changed. Kay?" I nodded feeling so trapped. No choice. I don't have a flippin choice anymore, my cage has shrunk even more than it used to be. He closed the door behind him and as soon as he was gone I dropped to the ground like a rock. I felt the shaking sanction and the warmness on my cold cheeks before I connected back with myself enough to realize that I was weeping. I was breaking and this was the truth. I keep it all in all the time no matter what even when I am alone but this is proof that I am losing the war. I can't keep it up. I submit.