Die Trying

Heart and soul

"You must be so proud of yourself. You know that boy would kill anyone for you and here you are using him as a plaything." I turned in a slow circle trying to locate the voice but there was no one there. "You are doing to him what you never wanted to be done to you, how is that fair at all or even just?" I kept searching for the owner of the voice with no success in finding it. "You are just as bad as them." All of a sudden I had found the owner of the voice. It was a girl with brown hair and brown eyes to match. She was tall, skinny, and had a disgusted look on her face. It was me.

Trust me when I say waking up in a cold sweat is not fun, but something that is even less fun is waking up on my bed laying on top of a shirtless James. Then all of a sudden the door to my room was swung open and Prince Harry was there and he looked more than angry he looked like he could set the world on fire with his eyes. I jumped away from the bed and looked at Harry sheepishly. One week was barely over and he was back. Oh my gosh this looked so very, very, very, bad.

James who had woke up as soon as I had jumped out of my bed looked shocked, and although he was trying to hide it he looked afraid. He got out of the bed and bowed to Harry quickly than at me who was standing in between both of them. Harry marched right over to James and smacked him in the face so hard I even flinched back. "You are dismissed, James. Meet me in the courtroom in one hour. Go now." James walked stiffly out of the room. It was all he could do to keep himself from sprinting out of here ninety miles an hour.

Then Harry turned to me. I got ready for him to smack me in the face as well. Beat me bloody, scream and yell until he lost his voice. "Are you alright?" I looked up into his face for the first time since he came into my room. I honestly felt so guilty. His face was full of worry and concern. Did he actually love me? No, I am being stupid. He just wants to make sure his prize isn't ruined, but if I had learned one thing from last night it was that I craved the love of others. Acceptance, that they think I am beautiful. I love the idea of being loved even if it is fake.

"I-I'm okay. I am also sorry, so sorry. That was never supposed to happen I-I..." I can't look at his face anymore and my gaze falls to the ground. Oh my gosh what is happening to me? How did this happen? I felt tears of frustration find their way to my eyes. A hand gently found its way to my chin and it pushed my head up so I was looking straight into Harry's face. That was when the first tear slipped out. I bit my lip aggravated at the tear for betraying me, for everything that has happened. I am so lost and for once I know that my emotions show in my eyes.

Harry pulls me to his chest wrapping his arms around me. I tuck my head in and let the silent tears shake my body as Harry stroked my hair whispering to me. Finally, everything subsided into a dull numbness and my wall was up again. I pulled away from Harry wrapping my arms around myself. He looked at me sadly when he spoke his next words.

"I wish at least around me the wall would come down. There is nothing wrong with being your true self. The tough girl act all the time must be tiring." Before I knew it the words were out of my mouth.

"Yes always," Then I looked at the floor again. "Are you mad?" I felt so small, a small girl expecting to be scolded. His expression was soft as he took my hands.

"Malean," He extended my arms pulling me gently towards him. "I am absolutely furious, but I understand. I can't control your heart any more than I can control my own." I felt my face fall apart at his words, and my heart breaks into tiny jagged pieces. I had not turned my heart to stone but to glass, hard, smooth, and breakable.

"You don't understand then if that is what you think," I whisper quietly not even knowing where these words were coming from.

"Please help me understand then. I know that you would never dress yourself up for no reason." He says not harshly but softly as if in pain himself.

"This place broke me. I had always told myself that I would not be a possession of anyone. Then you of all people bought me. I was convinced that I would hold my ground, but I found that I couldn't and then James and I kissed." Harry's face went rigid at that but he did not interrupt. I took in a deep breath and continued hastily. "I realized how starved I have grown up being when it came to... When it came to affection and love. My brothers loved me to death yes but that isn't the same. Anyway, his hand slipped under my shirt touching my back..." I looked at the floor feeling my face heat up. "I had run into the bathroom and sat under the shower, and I gave up. I surrendered. Then we kissed nothing else but surrender is not love though. More like pain that you can't change, or make a difference. I wouldn't know love if it slapped me in the face but-" I was cut off by soft warm lips on mine.

I gasped and went completely still then moving on their own accord my hands traced the lines and bends in his back and arms. Harry let out a soft groan as my hands followed the path that they chose. He kicked the door shut and I knew I had to be afraid, I had to pull away now before it was too late but I didn't and my hands found their way to his hair as usual and his hands on my waist then suddenly he pulled away leaving me dizzy and light headed fighting for the sensible part of me to come back into control instead of the passionate touchy-feely part of me.

"What did you mean when you said that you couldn't control your heart?" I asked thinking back to it thinking about how he would tell me that he had bought a better-behaved girl to be with and that I was to spend the rest of my life as a servant. A slave to his and others lust and whatever else that might be wanted from me.

Harry sighed and when I looked at him I saw with some surprise that his face was flushed red. "Malean I can't control my heart. It is true." I wanted to turn away so he couldn't see my face but he held my shoulders in a strong but not painful grip. "I love you. I should not, even if you are to be the future queen. Love and the heart change people but I have found that your heart can be stronger than your will. I love you Malean. With my whole heart and soul."