Die Trying

Me Girly

I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but also like a part of my soul had been taken along with the weight. I had absolutely no responsibilities now except to sit still and look pretty. I pulled on the new clothes then went over to the makeup bar on the far side of the bathroom and did what I had been raised to do. I applied the foundation, bronzer, blush, lip stick, a thin layer of lip gloss to make my lips shine, bronze and brown eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and I plucked my eyebrows. Once I was done I actually looked nice. Maybe even cute, I don't know though because I never really got into the whole bedazzle thyself thing. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail that I ended up curling the ends burning my hands a few times but it felt good to know that I could feel and be hurt, laugh and cry. I feel lost.

When I finally walked out of the restroom I saw the way that James looked at me and I knew that I should be pleased but I just felt sick. I plastered a smile on my face and walked over to him. I know the lust that lies in all men, I know how to read their thoughts by how they hold themselves. His eyes showed me enough and by the tenseness of his body, I could tell that he was restraining himself. He was so close to finding out my little secret before. He was so close to finding out something my brothers don't even know about. Surrender is giving everything, I have given up so what are these little secrets worth anymore?

He coughed and looked at the wall, the ground, anything but me. I walked up to him making him stand up as well or he would have awkwardly been staring at my stomach. "I know that you want me," I said watching as he flinched slightly as I said the words. As if I had slapped him. What I was about to do. To say is completely against everything I believe in. I barely know him, but I know that the outcome would always be the same in any world. I was never strong enough to keep up the act for my whole life. I had my room as an escape from it but that was taken away so my wall broke.

"Malean, please don't." He was looking me in the eyes begging me silently as if I was the one who had broke him. I looked into his eyes and saw the goodness in him. The love, and kindness, but my heart is stone now and I will not and can not love anyone other than my brothers.

"Don't do what? Are you going to deny what I just said?" I looked at him my head buzzing telling me that this is not a good idea, but the rest of me was tired of always trying and thinks that it would be easier for me to give up.

"I," He started then looked at the roof looking conflicted with himself. What on planet earth am I doing? I wondered to myself as the feeling of being completely lost washed over me. Distraction when he is lost in himself and whatever happens you can get out run away. I realized that this part speaking to me now was correct and that I had to get him out of here something had snapped earlier inside me but now I had half way fixed it I knew what process I had to do to be able to be free. I knew what must be done.

Slowly and gently I felt James' hand lay on me. I wanted to run into the restroom but I held myself to the spot. He pulled me closer and I could smell soap and something else rising off of his skin. It smelt good. No, bad hold it together Malean! Then his hand was under my chin and I felt the clouds coming back to fog up my mind. I tried to focus on what I must be doing. I needed an out of body experience so when this was going on I could still plan my next move and not be completely... distracted. I feel his lips on mine soft and gentle like I am a piece of glass that could break at any time. I was shocked to realize that he was holding himself back. I was even more shocked that I didn't want him to.

I can not be thinking like this. First off I belong to Prince Harry and got ticked off when I thought he was going off with other girls. Now, look at me locked in my room kissing another guy. Second I needed to find a way to get out of here. Third and final I barely know the guy. What can I do to escape? Well, I coul- no... I can run ou- scratch that... Maybe I could pretend that I- absolutely not. I GOT IT! The phone. I could call my brothers and they could help me.

I gasped in excitement but James took that as an excuse to explore my mouth with his tongue. Don't puke. Don't puke. Don't puke. I repeated over and over mentally as I felt my stomach lurch. All I wanted to do was puke and bite his tongue so I could have my mouth back. After this, I was going to need to use tons of mouthwash. This is so far out of my area of expertise. How do I politely get out of this when I was the one who offered it originally? I tried throwing us off balance, it worked sort of. I made us fall over. That is good. We landed on the bed. This is bad so very, very bad. The kiss deepened, and I stopped fighting to find a way to free myself. I let myself be pulled by the force of it all because what else could I do?