Breathless

19. I need a Break

Nat sat beside me and started saying something about Neil. I wasn't even listening. All I could see was Bridget kissing him. I felt so weak and used. He wanted me back, and now? If he could do it once why wouldn't he do it again? I was crushed. But I realised how stupid I was. "You can't give your heart away like that anymore." I said to myself. I laid there for hours till Nat's mom literally forced me out the door.

I couldn't just barge in and sleep at Nat's place, her parents weren't that willing. They still had their suspicions about Cam. I walked home slowly while staring at the stars above. It was beautiful. The sky was absolutely clear and the stars were bright. If anyone were to lie down and look up they would forget about everything. I did just that.

I ran home, got out of my dress, slipped into an oversized top and shorts and ran to the roof. I climbed up and positioned myself in a place where I couldn't fall from. I stared up at the sky. I stayed there for a long while. I remembered the day Neil and I had come up here. We held hands and stood on the very corner and he said to me, "You fall, I fall."

Unfortunately I had loved Neil from every part of my body. I had to scrub him off now. It was so easy to fall for him but so difficult to just forget about him. Probably I didn't deserve him in the first place, he was too good for me. I held my own hand and whispered to myself."You're all you have. It's time to keep your guard up." 

I went back down to my room and got my blade out.

The cuts didn't hurt anymore. I was so used to them. I carved the words "FAT AND UGLY" onto my arm. The red dots started appearing. Soon there was a red line. The words could now be seen clearly. "FAT AND UGLY" they belonged where they were supposed to.

I hadn't eaten for a week and a half now. Just a few bananas and apples with loads of cold water. That was my food. No one even realized because no one cared. I used to feel dizzy at times but nothing major. I ignored the feeling.

I thought a lot about it and realized I needed a break. Something to get my mind off of everything. I needed to leave this town for a while. School was over now anyways and I hadn't heard from Jake yet so I didn't have anything to do. I was going to take a vacation. I desperately needed it. I cried myself to sleep that night, again.

 

The next morning I moved my body and I felt weak. I picked myself up and my back was killing me. I groaned and got up. My face was a mess from all the crying last night. I groggily walked towards the bathroom. I got in and brushed. I took off my clothes and stared at my body. I hated it. I hated my body so much that I was willing to slice through it. I sighed and stepped into the shower. I shut my eyes and kneeled down. The water poured over my head. I sat under the shower and laid my head back. I wish I could stay like this for hours. The water felt like it was consoling me, Rubbing my back and helping me back up, but I stayed there just stuck in the moment. 

I got out of there and wiped myself, getting rid of all the water that once felt great on my body. I slipped into shorts and a loose purple top that revealed my collarbones. They were a result of the reduced food. It felt good to see some improvement on my body. I ran down to my mom, I had to ask her whether I could go away for a while. “How was Prom, Riley?” she asked as soon as she saw me. “It was horrible mom!” I said softly. “Anyways I wanted to ask you whether I could take a break for some time and leave town. I’ll be back in a few weeks. Please mom I really need a break.”  I said looking into her hazel eyes.

“NO, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT YOU? YOU DON’T WORK, YOU DON’T HELP, AND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT USELESS. YOU AREN’T LEAVING. HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR RILEY!” I heard dad scream. Ugh I hated him. He turned to mom and yelled at her. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WE SHOULD HAVE ABORTED HER THE SECOND WE GOT TO KNOW SHE WAS A GIRL!” Mom looked at him and mouthed some words. “FORGET IT MOM” I yelled back and ran up to my room. It was hopeless speaking to Dad. He had never once in his life done anything for my sake or Mom’s sake. He was Pathetic. I stuffed a few clothes into my bag; I threw in Neil’s jersey too. I kept my laptop safely in the bag and took my blade along too. I threw the bag over my shoulder, picked up my guitar case and stormed out the door.

 

“WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” I heard dad say. I turned to mom and said, “I’M LEAVING THIS HELL!  AND MOM IF YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH, YOU’D COME WITH ME! WE DON’T NEED TO LIVE WITH THIS MONSTER ANYMORE!” I pointed at Dad. “RILEY WATCH YOUR TONGUE!” he yelled at me. “MOM ARE YOU COMING?” I said without looking at Dad. She stood there in shock. “MOM ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?” I repeated myself. “RILEY DON’T DO THIS!” Mom said. Her voice was cracking. She held her face in her hands and walked towards me. “YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM ANYMORE MOM; I CAN SEE THE PAIN IN YOUR EYES! WE CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW!” I said and hugged her. “RILEY, I CAN’T, IT’S NOT THAT EASY SWEETHEART.” She said. I wanted to get out of there. “FINE MOM, WHATEVER SUITS YOU, BYE!” I kissed her on the forehead and stormed out.