Breathless

41. Settled

You could hear my laughter from a mile away. My voice would echo through every room but suddenly it stopped. All because I cared too much about what the world thought of me. I stumbled and fell into this darkness that had awaited me.

I had so much bottled up inside of me. You can't cut the sadness out. You can just relieve the pain for a moment or two. I was drowning and I found it exceptionally addicting.

I wasn't scared of the darkness anymore. Why would I be? When the demons lived right inside of me.

Natalie had moved out. She was permanently living with Cameron now. I was all alone in this small but empty house. Jake would come visit but I kept pushing him away. The less damage I do, the better. He didn't deserve the pain. I kept wondering what he saw in me.

Was the love the same? Do both genders feel the same amount of love for each other? It was a question that baffled me. I could never believe that Jake or anyone else loved me because I didn't love myself. Hate is a strong word but it was all I had felt towards myself.

The child had grown, the dream had gone and I had become comfortably numb. Pink Floyd. Music was my escape. Speaking of music, Jake couldn't convince his father to sign me. Well, that was that.

I was nearing my 20's and I still couldn't stand up for myself. Months went past. Long sleeves, loads of makeup and sterile wipes was all I needed to hide the cuts. I felt ashamed, I did, but I had no other option. Every cut I made was deeper than the last. The crimson river flowed along my arms, wrists, thighs and stomach yet I felt no pain.

I worked as a waitress at a restaurant to pay my bills. I needed the money if I wanted to live in New York. I had no other choice. I couldn't ask Jake for money and Natalie hadn't called since she had left which was over five months back.

One day, I heard a customer call me and I walked over to his table to write down his order. "Yes sir, what would you like?" I asked politely. "An answer for why you're working here." He replied in a familiar voice. I looked up from my notepad and Jake sat right in front of me with a disgusted look on his face.

"What are you doing here?" "I needed money.. To pay for the rent...That's all... And I like it here." I answered. "You could have asked me Riley!" He said angrily and pulled me out of the restaurant. "Stop, you're hurting me." I said. "I'm sorry." He answered while letting go of my wrist.

"How about, I shift in with you? We could be room mates!" He said excitedly. "No Jake, I..I.." I replied before he completed my sentence. "You don't even need to worry about the rent then. We could split it and it's not like I'm giving you the money. I'm just paying for myself. Please Riley please please please" he pleaded like a five year old boy.

"Fine" I said. I needed a place to stay in, if he wouldn't split the rent, I'd be homeless and he anyways would never know what I did inside the four walls of my room. I was secured.

He hugged me excitedly moving me in his arms. "I'll be all settled by evening" he said and waved goodbye. He walked away and I turned back to the restaurant to leave the job and look for a better one.