Breathless

40. Lightweight

Jake was going to make sure that I was out of the wheelchair and walking within the next week. He made me do all kinds of bizarre exercises and jog with him every day. He was way too determined to get me back up on my feet.

I won't bore you with the details but I was running and dancing within the next month. Happy was an understatement. I had my moments though.

Jake and I spent most of our time together discussing about the album. His father wasn't sure if he wanted to sign me. He wanted to hear me sing.

I had to impress him. First and last impression. Jake assured me that everything would be fine but I was beyond nervous. My hands were trembling in the studio desperately trying to catch hold of the mic. Jake came inside the glass box and held my hand. "Breathe in, Breathe out" he said and I followed his directions.

I felt calmer already. "Imagine you're singing to me. Just me." he said and let go of my hands. I took a deep breath and held the mic. Jake's father looked at me as if he was hoping I would mess up.

"The slightest words you said, have all gone to my head. I hear angels sing in your voice." I closed my eyes and all I could see was the cruel words that were said to me in the past. There's no complete recovery, I thought to myself as I sang further.

"When you pull me close feelings I've never known, they mean everything, leave me no choice." I opened my eyes and smiled at Jake dedicating the verse to him.

"Light on my heart, Light on my feet, Light in your eyes, I can't even speak, do you even know how you make me feel?"

"Oh I'm a lightweight, better be careful what you say.. with every word I'm blown away you're in control of my heart! I'm a lightweight easy to fall easy to break...with every move my whole world shakes keep me from falling apart."

"Keep me from falling apart ohh ohh.." I sang hitting a higher note.

The music suddenly stopped and I heard a series of claps through the headphones. I took them off and smiled through the glass. They had liked it but Jake's father hadn't. Jake walked through the door, into the glass box and hugged me. He held onto me and whispered,  "You were great."

"Thanks Jake... your dad didn't like it, did he?" I asked through his chest.

"He..he well... he... No he didn't but I promise, you were amazing... I loved it and I want to sign you. I will convince him."

I smiled even though my heart fell. Jake's father was hell bent on not signing me from the very start. He wasn't going to get convinced. I was sure it was over for me.

"My arms are a safe place to be in, Riley. I won't hurt you." Jake said still not letting go of me.

I finally got out of his hold and replied. "I know.. but it's not all that easy for me... I'm sorry"

"Why?" he asked.  "Lightweight, easy to fall easy to break. Broken already. Its not easy to join those pieces back together as fast as they broke." I said trying to explain it to him.

He walked away without saying another word. I could see that he was fuming but I couldn't help it. I couldn't destroy him while I destroyed myself. I had given up on everything for some reason. You never completely forget or completely recover.

Everything wasn't always rainbows and daisies. I did have my happy moments whenever I was with Jake but when it was midnight at home and I was all alone as

Natalie would usually sleep over at Cam's place, The blade was out almost every night. It had become an addiction. My best friend who I just couldn't stop loving.

The words still got to me. New York was no different. I was part of one of the vocal clubs, I had no friends there either.

The ones that knew of my existence hated me. I figured it was because I wasn't pretty and thin like them. Their comments would hurt but I would never retaliate. I wouldn't want anyone to ever feel the way I did.

I had this habit of thinking two, three, and sometimes even four times about what I'm going to say and if I say it in this manner whether it would hurt the person in front of me. I was so particular about keeping everyone around me happy that I had forgotten about my own happiness.

That night I got out my blade just like every other  night. I washed it with water and tried removing most of the rust particles on it. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was to feel the pain and divert my attention from everything else.

I sliced through my skin. One cut. Two cuts. Three cuts. I thought for a second. What's the harm in ten more? I asked myself. I sliced through my wrist another ten times. The blood was unstoppable but I didn't care. I felt relief and that's all I had wanted.

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Not promoting self-harm. This is a very serious issue. If any of you are going through it please message me immediately. Its always nice to have someone to talk to and I'm here for you. I love you and thank you so much for reading xoxo

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