The Baby Project. C.H. (A.U.)

Fifty Three // Rapture.

The last place I wanted to be on a Monday morning was at the doctors office.

After Calum and I's discussion on the honeymoon about a possible doctors visit, I had decided that I still had worries about my fertility and that it would be best for me to make a doctors appointment and so here I was, anxiously waiting to see my doctor.

The time seemed to be dragging on and with Calum stuck in work meetings for the day, I had come alone. Calum tried to get me to talk to my mum and get her to come with me but I didn't want her to know about my worries just yet, I figured that I needed to know for sure if there was anything wrong before speaking with her, I mean I had put my mother through more than enough over the last twenty four years and I didn't want her to worry about nothing.

The white walls of the doctors office were starting to give me a headache and I was annoyed at whoever decided that the waiting room needed to be painted white, why couldn't they have chosen any other colour from the rainbow? The colour white in this circumstance did not make me feel so good, it just seemed very clinical.

The sound of my name being called catches my attention almost immediately and as I stand and make eye contact with my doctor, who has a warm smile on my face, my stomach automatically drops and I feel like I need to be sick. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread when I thought about the conversation I was about to have with her, and I couldn't shake the feeling that my worse fears were going to be confirmed and there would something physically wrong with me.

The idea that I might not be able to have kids was absolutely soul-crushing and I didn't know how I would deal with it if that was the case. I wanted and needed to be a mother one day, it was something that I felt so deep in my bones, I didn't know what I would do if suddenly that was ripped away from me. It also wasn't just me that a possible problem would effect, Calum was my everything and I wanted to be able have a family with him, I wanted to see him as a dad almost as much as he wanted to be one and I would hate myself if I had to take that away from him too.

"How are you doing Genie? It's been awhile since our last visit." Dr. Marcia comments as we enter her consultation room.

"I'm good thanks, and you?" I ask out of courtesy and also because I did not want to talk about myself right now, even though I knew that was exactly what I was going to have to do after this small talk passed.

"I can't complain," She smiles as we both take our seats. "So what can I do for you today?" My stomach tightens at her question, feeling like a pit of anxiety.

"Well my husband and I decided a few months ago to actively start trying to get pregnant again and so far we've had no luck and a part of me can't help but worry that after the miscarriage something inside me has just gone wrong." I explain and she listens intently, making a few notes once I've finished speaking.

"You've been trying for how long exactly?" She wonders as she looks over what I assume is my file on her computer.

"Four or five I suppose," I reply and she nods at my response.

"We did multiple check ups after your miscarriage and nothing seemed wrong, I'm sure if there was we would of picked up on it," She explains. "Have you had any pelvic pain or anything like that?" She asks and I shake my head.

"I guess I just thought that once we started trying we would be pregnant in no time you know?"

"I understand your concerns Genie, it's only normal after what you went through." She assures me. "However, based on your pass test results and consultations, at this time I don't think there is any cause for concern. " She tells me and a small frown finds it's way on to my face. Was that it? "When was your last period?"

"About a month or so ago." I answer, feeling defeated. How was it that I could feel so deeply that there was something wrong yet she didn't seem to think so because of past appointments. Something may of change by now.

"And you haven't noticed any physical changes?" She questions me and I shake my head before pausing. "I mean, I guess I may be more tired than usual and maybe eating more than I usually would but I've been traveling and been super busy over the last couple of months so I figured it was to be expected."

"Do you think there is a chance you could be pregnant?" She asks next and I think back to the negative pregnancy test.

"I took a pregnancy test just a few days ago and it was negative." I tell her and she looks at me questionably before a hum leaves her lips.

"Well if it's okay with you I would like you to do another one, just to be sure okay?" I didn't know what could be more confirmation than an already negative test but if she thought it was worth it to do another one then why not?

"Okay, sure."

"If this test is negative, then I don't want you to be worried okay? I want you to give at least another couple of months before we start looking at anything being wrong. I know it's frustrating but sometimes this things take time you know? Timing is everything." She tells me and I do my best to take in her advice but it was tough. I was so sure that there was something wrong with me and I knew that time passing was not going to make a difference.

"If you think there's no need to worry then I'll try my best to not," I tell her but I know that no matter, I'm going to worry. It was impossible not to.

Fifteen minutes later I had done another test and found myself once again waiting. Dr. Marcia had to excuse herself to make a phone call and it seemed like she had been for forever, I guess it always felt that little bit longer when you were waiting on news. I was more than ready to go home now and I was more than ready for this appointment to be over.

"So sorry to keep you waiting." Dr. Marcia Apologizes as she re-enters the consultation room. "Monday mornings are always very crazy," She smiles at me and I do my best to muster a smile back at her. "Now I've got your test results back," She pauses opening the folder in front of her to look over what I assumed were my results. "I can happily tell you that you're pregnant."

"I'm sorry, what?" I blink at her in complete and utter shock. Was I hearing her right? or was I maybe imagining this whole thing? How could I be pregnant?

"You're pregnant Genie, In fact the positive result came up quite quickly," She muses and I sit staring at her dumbly for a few seconds.

"What about the pregnancy test I took a few days ago? It was negative."

"Home pregnancy tests aren't always as accurate as they claim to be, It can also sometimes be too early to tell and that can result in a negative result." She explains but this whole conversation does not even seem real.

"So I'm pregnant?" I say more to myself than to her but she nods in response, a smile on her face.

"I can book you in for a scan next week so we can figure out how far along you are and everything else, does that work for you?"

"Uh yeah, that works." I answer, a smile finding it's way on to my face. This was really happening right now. After what seemed like the longest time, I was pregnant and if everything went the way it was suppose to, Calum and I would finally be parents.

I was feeling a whole lot of mixed emotions right now and I didn't know what to make of them. I was happy, excited , surprised and scared all that the same time. I had been worrying that there was something wrong with me when in reality there wasn't, in fact everything was perfect and I didn't even know it until now and I couldn't wait to get home and share the news with Calum.