Only You (J-Hope x Reader)

Try

~Hoseok's P.O.V. (Part four)~

~"Happy"~

~Middle school~

What did it mean to be happy? Was it an emotion one felt with others, or was it a feeling one could feel alone? Was it a feeling where specific people were chosen to have the emotion? Was it possible to obtain such a feeling even through the bad times? All I wanted was to feel happy. I wanted to feel the sense of being able to smile and have a fun time, to be happy. Maybe I wasn't doing it correctly; perhaps I wasn't enjoying my time. If it's true, then should I try harder? Is it a possibility for a person like me, gloomy and broken, to experience such a good feeling? Or was it perhaps forbidden to enter my life? No matter how much I had tried to obtain the feeling of happiness, it always disappeared too quickly. It never lasted like the happiness I see my peers have. The feeling of happiness seemed to be fading slowly, walking slowly into the dark abyss I'm stuck in. A sense of happiness was not going to last with my emotions. It seemed that the feelings I have been sucked into was making happiness crack and crumple under its grasp. The feeling of depression was smiling happily as it held onto happiness quite tightly, draining the feeling from my body. All I knew was fake smiles and tears now.

"Why is everyone so happy?" I asked as I leaned against my hand, watching carefully as my peers laughed and smiled while they chatted. It was only lunch but everyone was so happy. Kim gave me a confused look, "What do you mean?" I gave a low sigh, "What is happiness in my life? I haven't seen it in a long time." I heard Kim let out a short laugh, it seemed she thought I was being silly, how stupid she was for thinking that. I envy Kim; she could smile and laugh without any effort put into it. I envy my peers, they had the same ability; while I, I was stuck in an endless maze of depression. "Happiness is when your serotonins increase, it allows you to express a happy feeling," Kim replied. I stared at her with confusion, "Sero- what now? Why is she using such high vocabulary against me?" I began to feel frustrated, Kim was only a middle schooler yet she knew such high vocabulary. "Oh sorry, it slipped. Happiness is a sense of feeling where you're able to laugh and smile. You're able to enjoy time as it pass, and you can just be in a..." Kim paused as she thought of some way to express the word happiness. "You can be in a positive mood," Kim said before nodding at her choice of words. "Kim, what if I'm forbidden from feeling happiness?" I asked. Kim sighed; she knew I've been going through a lot lately. Being bullied constantly and being in a state of depression. "You're not forbidden from happiness, its creeping in your feelings somewhere. I know it is, just give it time Hoseok. We're still young and we still have a lot to look forward to. You're life hasn't even fully begun yet Hoseok, we're middle schoolers. Perhaps when you're older you can experience the feeling of happiness. Just keep trying and push through. But if you feel like you want to give up, know I'm here for you. I want to make you smile, laugh, and in general help you with the one thing you've been desperately trying to achieve. Happiness, you'll get the sense of happiness when everything dies down. I know you will, you're not going to be this gloomy and depressed person in the future. Just push through," Kim gave a smile.

I don't know what I would have done without Kim. She was always in a positive mindset, and she would always want to help me. She would give me her advice, although she wasn't quite confident about it. But no matter how much advice she has given me, they all lead up to one thing: continue trying and pushing through, the future will be bright if I try hard enough to change it. No matter how much I've been told this, I always am drowning in my abyss until I can finally swim up and achieve what I want most. Happiness was waiting for me to swim up, and soon after it'll grab onto me. Perhaps then I'll feel what I've been desperately trying to obtain. Happiness.

~"What do I mean to the world?" And "Do I matter"~

A sense of giving up. A feeling of worthlessness. A moment in my life where I question my existence. The purpose of trying to continue on with the life I was given to live. The path that I'm running, is crumbling and being destroyed. A sense of wanting to disappear, for good. If life was given to me, was it right to end it on behalf of my decision? Did I really matter? What was the meaning of my life? Do I really have to live in this world if everything seems to be going against me? Maybe giving up was my only option, I mean there seemed to not be any other way.

Every day it felt like I constantly needed to question my existence, my purpose and my meaning. I didn't understand why life itself was putting me through all the obstacles so early in my life. If I had a meaning in this world, then what was it? It only seemed that I was only here to get bullied, get laughed at and made fun of, and to fake my smiles along with pretending everything was okay even if it wasn't. But in total it just seemed I was only fighting with my emotions in a constant battle, repeating over and over again. I was fighting something I probably couldn't win, even how hard I've been trying. I was only set out for failure.

I heard as Kim loudly banged against the door pleading for me to not do it. A rope around my neck, a chair underneath my feet and one move could end it all. Tears left my eyes like a river flowing quickly. I only heard the loud pleads of my family members and my best friend. It didn't help me, they were holding me back. "I don't matter to them," I thought making my heart ache. "I don't matter to anyone, no one cares," I ignored the begging and continued to go against my existence. With an intake of air, I moved the chair and soon darkness surrounded my eyes.

I coughed loudly as I soon realized that I was still alive. With a flicker my eyes were open, Kim was near my bedside crying as she wiped her face furiously. "How?" I thought, "Why was I still alive?!" I immediately sprung up from my position, "Why am I not dead?!" I shouted. Kim quickly latched onto my arm, "Hoseok, please, stop this! Stop it all!" Kim pleaded. I ignored her pleads, I didn't want to live. My existence didn't matter in this world. I didn't matter. No matter how much pills I tried overdosing on, and the amount of times I tried committing suicide, it all ended up with me living. I didn't get it. I quickly removed my arm from Kim's grip, "Leave me alone," I muttered. "Hoseok, please, stop this! You matter! You mean so much to your family members and me! Don't act so rashly simply because of what life is throwing at you!" Kim shouts began to echo throughout my head. Tears soon started forming in my eyes, "Stop lying to me! Stop it! You don't understand anything Kim! You're happy and you're have a positive life! Stop acting like you know everything, because you don't! You don't understand what is happening in my life, you're not in my position and you'll never be!" I paused, tears continued to leave my eyes faster and faster at the words I let run away. "You and you're positive lifestyle makes me envy you!" I shouted wiping my tears. "I don't matter Kim... I don't- I don't need to live. This world doesn't need me..." I sobbed at my own words. My heart aching.

"Hoseok... Sometimes when a person acts positive in their life it doesn't mean that they are happy. Hoseok, you never asked me what I've been through, and what I'm still fighting through. You just automatically assume that since I have a smile and laugh, you assumed I was living a happy and positive life. Well guess what, I'm not Hoseok... I never was, I have depression and its genetic. I have had it since I was young; I had it before you obtained yours. Your depression won't last very long; it'll only last for a while, while I live with my depression my whole life. You say that I don't know what you're going through, but trust me Hoseok, I do. The moments you questioned your existence, your purpose, and your life; I've done it as well, I've been there Hoseok. I'm still going through it. But don't you see what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to smile and be happy even if it's hard for me. You can't tell the difference, can you though? It's okay... But Hoseok, know this, no matter how much you experience and how much you want to give up, know that there is a light. It's just waiting for you. Your sense of happiness that you seek for is waiting, the smile from when you were a child is also waiting, and the laughter you want to let out once more is also at the end of this all. Everything you wanted is waiting for you, you need to continue on and fight. You're going to make it, I know you are. You're not going to give up, because I'm not letting you give up. I'm here and we'll fight together through the war, and I know we'll win. Just believe and hope, and maybe one day we'll both be happy. Smiling, laughing, and having a grand time. Then we can look back and think, 'I worked hard to achieve this,'" Kim said before hugging me. I was quick to hug her back, tears fell from both our faces but I smiled. It wasn't a forced smile; it was smile that came naturally. A smile that was sign that I was grateful to have such an amazing person fighting beside me.

It was true, I never did question Kim. But now I know the truth. I wasn't alone, and I wasn't the only person fighting this feeling of sadness. It was a war many were fighting, and no matter how much they were fighting they were probably trying to think positively. Perhaps that's what I should start doing, think more positively. I should continue trying and not give up on my life or my meaning. Because sometime in the future, I'll be able to understand why I am here in this (cruel) world, and why I matter. I just need to continue trying to fight through and it'll eventually all end with a grand finale.

I hoped you enjoyed!
~XutieMiako