His Royal Badness and the Mistress of Muscle -Vol. 2

Chapter 34: Confessionals

Penelope narrates:

I pack for the Warhol tribute. Grace is excited about going. She hasn't been to New York since she went with an older cousin after high school graduation.

"Sweetie!" calls out Prince in a sing-song voice,"Don't forget to pack these!" He flings a bunch of my business cards at me. They fly all over.

"Great! Now I have to pick them up! " I mockingly pout. "Handing out business cards is improper at tributes."

"You might meet someone in the airport or something. Don't be afraid to tell people how wonderful you are."

"I'm not at ease with being a self promoter to that extent. Working on it though. I remember when I asked Vickie if I could photograph her ads-I was so scared. But it turned out to be one of the best professional decisions I ever made."
"See? More good things will happen if you don't hide your light under a bushel. Do you have everything?"

"Yeah. You know I made a checklist. If I forgot something I should be able to buy it in New York of all places."

"Remember, when you get to the airport, Margaret will pick you up and take you and Grace out to eat. For crying out loud, tell Grace to behave herself. Margaret is my oldest friend. Above all don't tell Grace Margaret was a Bunny. That's not something Margaret wants getting out especially now that she's shopping around her second novel."

"I know, I know. She is way too worried about being seen as dumb "

"That and she doesn't want to see 'former Playboy Bunny' in front of her name in articles." His voice grows even more serious. "If I told you a secret, something I've never told another girlfriend, would you promise not to tell- even if the inconceivable happened and we broke up?"

Fearing the worst, maybe a terminal illness or something, I squeeze him tightly."Sugar, of course I would! Is something wrong? "

Prince just laughs at me "Don't look so worried! It's nothing like that! Years ago, before I hit it big, I used to pick up gigs that I'd never talk about now."

"So? No matter where you preformed, it's understandable. Got to start somewhere."

"Margaret and I vowed to never speak of it to the press but she set it up so I could fill in when needed at the Playboy Club as a musician since they had a live band. "

"Why did you decide to tell me? Hardly anything Earth shattering." Secretly, I'm honored he told me this as he keeps it private.

He gazes into my eyes and holds my hands. "Because I trust you. Something about you makes me feel as though I can be myself." I tear up. He kisses me. "You're the sort of woman I've been dreaming of."

"What about Margaret? Wasn't she the one that got away like I've assumed?" Really, Margaret is a stunner. She's smart and kind too. Just basically everything.

"No,I care for her very much. But when we were younger we were never truly in the right place in life to try to have a lasting relationship. Honestly, once she moved away from her controlling father, she became really independent. As insecure as I was back then, I wasn't crazy about that. Independence is great but it's nice to make your partner feel as though you need him."

We sit on the bed and I get close to him. "She didn't make you feel needed?" I ask.

"Well, we were kids and didn't know how to communicate. So it was an accident. Margaret was great at being a Bunny. Brought home good tips, wasn't in your face about it either. Actually she even put an envelope in our dresser with some money in it in case it was ever needed by either of us. Never said a word when I'd take a few bucks. One time I picked up the phone when her dad called because she was at work. At the time I was working hard on my music. I told him she was at work. He said,'You're probably pretty proud of yourself, thinking you're a little pimp while she works two jobs and you do nothing.' I hung up and got mad. It was wasn't so much what he said but the fact that I felt guilty at times, even though I wanted to get my career going and that required my full attention. Sometimes I'd try to do nice things for her, like if the weather was decent, I'd make sandwiches and go down the Interview offices to meet Margaret at lunch and we'd sit on a bench not to far away. Of course she loved it, but was hard for me come up with sweet gestures without spending much."

"Prince, you were right out of high school. Most men that age can't afford to make anything more than the simplest gestures of kindness and affection. What else did you do for her?"

He begins to snicker at a memory. "Let her borrow my socks one day. She'd procrastinated on her laundry and was out of socks. Since Bunny costumes were designed for big breasts, the girls would uh, make up for their shortcomings."

We both laugh. "That is funny, but I'll bet when she came home and saw you after working all day she felt better. I know I always cheered up when I came home to Grace. One thing she needed you for:while starting her writing career in the big city and not knowing anyone, everyday she got to come home to someone who loved her so much. No one else could have given her that."

Prince hugs me and is all choked up when he says,"I wish I'd heard that back then.Believe it or not it helps now."

"Your one,'I trust you' today meant more to me than every "you're beautiful' in our whole relationship."

"Really? But do you think you're more beautiful than you did in the beginning?"

"Somewhat. Thanks to you. Although my low self esteem flares up every now and then. I worry it'll never go away. There's no easy way to say this, but my lack of self worth is the reason I'm not going to have children." Because I've just admitted this without really planning to, I start crying.

"How are the two related?Think you'd be a bad parent?"

"Who knows? If I'd just have boys that would be one thing, but I don't want a daughter. She'd witness me worrying about how I looked and that's not a good role model. Of course, back when I lived with Grace I didn't need to think about children because I seldom even got a second date ."

"Penelope, if your self esteem is fucking with you that badly, you need a therapist. Not saying you're crazy or anything like that. What about when you're too old to have a family? Are you going to regret not having children?"Prince says this to me in a soft and gentle manner.

"I think I'd regret letting my self esteem make that decision for me. .It wouldn't be convenient with the tour coming up to start going to a shrink now. I want to keep working on my confidence though. But at least I don't insist on dim lighting in the sack anymore. Can't believe I used to do that." 

"Neither can I." 

He leaves the room. I get out a notebook and write down everything I can think of that I've done that took courage. Jasper gave me the idea.  After writing down way more than I thought I would, I'm reminded that this relationship has been so incredable. I love my man. He's been bringing out the best in me.