You helped, really.

17

JTJ and K-S are at the end of our third project together (we did two almost at the same time, but one finished first), and I must admit, Sana has been surprising at all times. She learned how to handle things really fast, and was always up to speed with everything, surprising, considering we have a very fast pace here at JTJ.

Sana, Mina, Momo and I have been hanging out together a lot, with Nayeon, of course, we go out most weekends, or don't go out at all, and just laze around someone's place, mostly mine, though. Mina seems to have been having trouble with saying goodbye to Nayeon lately, and I've been telling Momo to just get married already (she still says she won't yet).

All in all, these have been great times, and this calmness makes me anxious, I can't just bring myself to believe everything will remain like this at all. Dr Tuan has been trying to help me through this, but it's been a bit fruitless, so, he asked me if I could bring Mina and Momo to have an appointment with him. Looks like he wants to talk to them, without me, I mean.

I don't really have a problem with this idea, but I can't see a point to it, as well. It can't hurt, right? That is why I'm sitting on their living room, trying to get both to focus on what I have to say to them, which Mina has been making very difficult to get out.

"Okay, can the two of you listen to me seriously for ten minutes?"

"Baby Jiji, it's been two days since I last saw you, now behave and let me squeeze you."

"Mina, please. I promise I'll spend the night and let you two cuddle me as much as you want, but you have to listen first."

"You promise?"

"Yes, I promise, now can you take me seriously for a while?"

"Come on, Minnie. You will have the whole night, just listen for now, okay?!" Momo decides to help and manages to get Mina off of me.

I move to sit on the coffee table in front of the couch, so I can look at both while I speak. This is certainly not what I thought I would be doing, but Dr Tuan says it's not good for me to keep pushing the subject. Seems like avoiding talking about it will only make everything worse, so here it goes nothing.

"So, we grew pretty close."

"I would say a bit more than pretty close, but go on." Momo chuckles.

"And because we got like this, I've been really anxious lately. And it's starting to disrupt my daily life."

"Jiji, you don't need to be anxious with us." Mina begins, but I just hold her hand and shake my head.

"I know I don't, but that's not how it works. I really like you two, and I think you are good, but my mind refuses to accept that. And I've been having second thoughts about many things, and some anxiety attacks as well."

"Jihyo, we - How - Why?" Momo stammers, her eyes starting to tear up a little.

"Because I can't accept that things are really going this well. I keep bringing myself back to expect the worse to come. And my therapist asked me to bring the two of you to a appointment."

"When?" Mina's voice comes out resolute, despite the tears running down her cheeks.

"This wednesday, four o'clock?"

"We'll be there. But you still have more to say, don't you?" This time is Momo who speaks out very determined.

"I do, but you have to promise not to let this make you pity me or anything."

"We would never pity you, Jihyo. We love you." Mina says and hugs me, followed by Momo.

We stay like this for a while, before they break the hug and silently wait for me to talk. Here goes nothing, I guess.

- - -

"You are both aware I'm not a very standard person. And, with a high I.Q. comes equally big problems. The first problems were when I didn't really fit my school classes, as I would always be too far ahead even for the teacher. Back then my moms decided to get me tested and see what was really going on, so imagine their surprise when the doctors said they had a genius child.

It was supposed to be a good thing, except it wasn't, people don't really handle different very well. I got sped up to college, just taking the government exams and graduating elementary, middle and high school on the same week. And, I must say, most people didn't take a six year-old taking higher ranks than adults did.

All that brought too much hate and some are more courageous about acting on their rage towards a kid. So I've broken almost every bone in my body, or, I should say, I had almost every bone in my body broken. That were the ones who didn't mind stopping themselves, the ones who did manage, only gave me some internal bleedings and more than a few concussions.

I spent more time in the E.R. than in the classroom, and when I did go to class, the physical part wasn't even the worst. The name-calling, the humiliation, the shaming, all the verbal abuse one could think of, were unstoppable. Mostly, because it couldn't easily be proved, they would do it and just play innocent when asked. And what could a kid do against adults?

I would often be told to just grow up and ignore them. Not mind the countless times I had to replace my backpack, or my school clothes, books, anything they could destroy, really. Sometimes I was blamed for having my desk destroyed and thrown out the window.

My parents did their very best, but even their agents couldn't protect me the entire time, and those were the times I learned how dark humans could be. They suffered with me, but I think they had it worse, blaming themselves for not doing anything, for letting their daughter be mistreated just for being herself.

Moms always did their best to show me I was perfect just the way I was, but no matter how much love you get, the hate will always get to you, and it got me to breaking point. That's why I can't just make myself believe this good life I'm living right now is real. I can't accept that there are people who want to just be good to me, without needing me for something.

It's been really hard for me to just embrace you guys and not wait for the worst. I know, my brain knows you are being honest, but it doesn't let go of everything else. I've been anxious because I really like you, and Sana as well. Nayeon is a kid, so I want to give her the love I wasn't given, but you three are different, I want to be with you, it makes me feel good, but I can't not think of the bad things that could happen."

- - -

Mina and Momo are bawling their eyes out right now, and I know I'm not much better. My nose is already clogged, and I can feel my eyes burning and a headache forming. They just pull me back to the couch and hug me, not saying anything, just crying and letting me cry everything out. No more words are needed right now, all I really want is to be like this until I can't cry anymore, and they seem to want the same thing.

There is silent understanding between us, they understand my pain, my doubts, my hesitations, I just give them everything, and they take it all with open arms. I understand their love, their acceptance, their care for me, they give me what I need, and I humbly receive it. I don't know how long it lasts, but it doesn't matter anymore, I need this, and they will always gladly give it to me.