The Holt Conundrum

fifth november

               

It's November and I bring Ben home for Thanksgiving.

Things have kind of been going well since I've stopped bringing up the boyfriend thing. It's amazing how things become simple when you stop giving a fuck.

Ben kept mentioning that his family was going away during Thanksgiving and he wasn't going to be able to celebrate it this year and I sort of read between the lines that he wanted to be invited.

I got a lot of days off, so we headed to my parents' place early.

I introduce him to Mom and Dad and they seem to find him okay. He's kind of shy and a little bit awkward and it's all sorts of hilarious because Ben is never like that normally. It's like he has no idea what he's supposed to be doing. Well, I guess technically he really doesn't know. He's never met his boyfriend's family before. Technically he's still not doing it, because I'm still not his boyfriend.

So, at first his awkwardness is kind of amusing, but the longer he's like that, the more it turns from amusing to annoying.

I can't help thinking about Holt when he's shy and awkward. It's always endearing. I hate myself for thinking like that but I just can't help it.

I don't want to think about Holt. Because I've done a really shitty thing. I left without telling Holt. I left him at home. I'm a coward.

So when my sister arrives a couple of days later with her boyfriend and Holt comes out from the backseat I'm kind of relieved.

"Eliah, my sweet confused brother," my sister says as she hugs me, "you forgot to tell Holt I was going to be the one driving him up this Thanksgiving?"

I play along immediately. "Oh, man, I'm sorry," I tell Holt.

He smiles at me. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

When everyone else is busy elsewhere, my sister drags me outside and tells me, "I won't tell him that you didn't forget about him."

I run a furious hand through my hair. What was I supposed to do? Drive up with Ben and Holt? Ben would have been pissed. "Can you understand my position though?"

"Yeah, bringing your two boyfriends can sort of be awkward but you're going to have to deal with it, you stupid queen. Deal with your feelings and don't make Holt pay for them."

She's right. I know she's right. I was just being a little chicken shit. I didn't want the confrontation with Ben. I didn't want to be reminded once again of how effortlessly Holt fits into my family. I wanted to bring my actual boyfriend for Thanksgiving, for once. But hey, that's never going to happen.

That night, when Ben and I go to bed, I'm just dreading what he's going to say. I'm not disappointed. "You must be glad, you've got your two boyfriends now, the one you fuck and the one you actually love."

I know I shouldn't say this, I know I shouldn't but I just have to. "Technically though, you're not my boyfriend..." I regret saying those words the minutes I say them. But I couldn't let the opportunity pass either.

"Wow."

"Look, I'm sorry. And I didn't invite him. My sister did."

"Yeah, because he's a part of your family while I'm not."

I felt like punching Holt a couple of times, but never as much as I want to punch Ben right now. "You've never made it feel like that's something you wanted, though."

"It's not. Well I think it's not. I don't know okay," he's rambling. "This is all too complicated. Can't we just go back to how it was in the beginning, without any pressure, without any complications? Just two guys that are crazy attracted to each other and want to spent time together?"

I want to tell him that no, that's not enough for me, that I'm not a college boy looking for a hook-up, that I don't have time for fuckboys, that I want more, that I want something real. But I don't tell him that. Because I'm also tired of arguing, I'm tired of pushing for something that he obviously doesn't want.

I'll just keep on taking what I can get without pushing for anything more. Clearly, I'm used to it.