The Holt Conundrum

sixth february

It's February and Holt is sitting in our bed looking all serious when I go to sleep that night.

"Are you taking things slow for my sake or yours?" he says the minute I close the door behind me.

Alright, not munching on his words, I see. I kinda feel attacked. I answer with a weak, "Yours?"

So, since that morning in December, we haven't done much in terms of acquainting ourselves with our private parts. I'll have happy morning surprises when Holt doesn't mind pressing himself against me, and we'll make out like we're horny teenagers, but it's always like our parents are about to barge in any seconds.

"Are you sure that it's not because maybe you're putting a little too much pressure on yourself since this is all new to me and you don't want to screw it up?"

He's right, of course he's right. After that morning, I've been worried, I've been thinking about everything that I might do wrong if we do anything more. I've been scared. I am scared. And I don't answer Holt. I know he can see it, of course he does. He's my Holt, he knows me.

"Seriously Eliah, I've had your dick in my mouth. I think we're pass having any kind of reservation between each other."

"Oh my sweet Holt, I've completely corrupted you, haven't I?" I say, smiling a little, not looking in his eyes. How the tables have turned.

"Don't try to distract me, or change the subject," he says. I love my little Smooches in charge. "Are you worried, that if you don't blow my mind, I might change my mind?"

I just nod. It's unsettling how much he knows me. I always think I'm the one with all the answers, but this relationship is not a one way stream. I think I needed to be reminded.

"Look, I know it might not be perfect when we have sex," Holt says, pressing a hand over my heart, "I know that there's going to be stuff that works and stuff that doesn't but I'm genuinely excited to figure it out with you. And I already know I really enjoyed what we did that morning. We could just do that all the time."

I look in his eyes, smiling a little. "Really?"

"Really," he smiles back, and then with a little evil grin adds, "But you know what, don't take this as a rejection because it really isn't but I think we should take sex off the table inde—"

I let myself fall back on the bed laughing, "Oh my god, shut up."

He's laughing too. "I'm kidding, but hear me out," he pokes my ribs, "I know how difficult it's been for you, I get it. You've loved me for years, and I've loved you too, but it took me longer to realize what it was. And once I did realize what it was, I acted on it right away. I didn't have to pine for you for years. I just let myself love you right away. And that sucks for you. And I know how you're worried, that because I used to like women I might start liking them again. But even if for some impossible reason I would suddenly not be attracted to you physically, nothing, absolutely nothing could make me stop loving you. I want to be with you all the time. Hell, I need to touch you all the time. I can't bear the thought of not having you close by."

I kinda want to cry, because of how much I needed this, how much I needed Holt to comfort me. How much I need Holt...

I sit up to look in his eyes as he keeps speaking, "Just like the way you wish I could see myself the way you see me, I would love for you to see yourself the way I see you. You're just so beautiful. I used to think it was a kind of jealousy that I always thought you were so good looking, not because I was attracted to you. You're so passionate and funny and so good at taking care of people and comforting them. You're my family and my home, you're my compass and my anchor. I love you Eliah. It's not going to stop, it's not going to change. I love you."

He's smiling at me, a hand cradling my cheek and I just lean forward and press my forehead against his chest. He runs a hand in my hair and press a kiss on top of my head.

"Now, how about we both stop worrying and I can be the one that holds onto you?" he says and doesn't wait for answer. He just hugs me.