It's September and I need a roommate. I couldn't live in the dorms anymore. I was fed up of being paired with idiots. I was done sharing my kitchen and my bathroom with an entire floor. When I signed the lease for my apartment, I did it with the guy...
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It's May and I broke up with Ben.
I'd been avoiding him after the little Holt incident. He kept trying to contact me, and I kept ignoring his call until today.
I was postponing the inevitable.
So, today we met at his place and I broke up with him. It's ridiculous. I was the one pushing him to be in a relationship with me, yet I decided to end it.
He says he was kind of expecting it. I feel bad, but kind of relieved at the same time.
"You want to know why you kept trying to make this work?" he tells me, "even though we both knew it wasn't going anywhere? Because our relationship was never going to surpass the one you have with Holt. There was never a chance that you would have loved me more than Holt. You could have broken up with me with that knowledge, and look for someone you could actually love more than Holt, but you never would have actually wanted that. You've never really wanted to find someone to love other than Holt. And you knew you could string things along with me because I also had my own issues."
"That's not true."
"Of course it is." He's right, but I won't give him the satisfaction of agreeing to this. "Look, if you don't cut Holt out of your life you'll never be able to be in a relationship."
Really? If that's true than I'll stay single forever. It doesn't matter. I don't need to date anyone. Not if it means losing Holt. If the price to have a boyfriend is losing Holt, I'll never pay it.
I'll trade my fucking soul to keep Holt in my life.
I always knew what the problem was with Ben. I wanted Ben to fill a void he never could. I wanted him to be something he wasn't, someone he could never be. I was trying to replace Holt with Ben and that wasn't fair to Ben.
The truth I need to accept is that no one is ever going to be Holt, and I'll never be with Holt, so with that logic, I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
It's okay. I'll manage. I think I'm over this whole relationship thing. Anyway, what I had with Ben could barely be called a relationship. I was done with Ben before we even started to date for real.
I don't need a relationship. I'll get myself a bunch of cats, because there are rules to follow when you become an old spinster, even if I haaaaaaate cats.
When I get home I see Holt's shoes in the entry. I actually haven't seen him since that night. He hasn't been home. I wonder who's the flooze he stayed at. I'm also worried. We haven't cleared the air yet. We need to.
Holt is sitting at the counter in our kitchen with his hands locked together on it, and he looks super serious and I'm worried, but I know what's going to happen before he even opens his mouth.
"Eliah, we need to talk," he says and he sounds a little scared.
I know what he's going to say. He's going to say I need to move out. I mean it's my apartment so he should be moving out, but anyway, I know what this is.
