The Holt Conundrum

fifth april

               

It's April and Holt walks in on something I would have rather he had not.

            He wasn't supposed to come home until very late at night and so I invited Ben over for early dinner and all the while we were eating I'd been debating whether or not I should just break up with him and get it over with, but then we'd ended up kissing and kissing led to my room and my room led to our clothes magically disappearing and oh wonder we were having sex.

            It wasn't exactly tender loving. Actually Ben was rough and I kept trying to lean down on my hands and he kept getting angry and pulling me back against him.

So I'm basically on my knees, on my bed with Ben behind me with one of his arms around my neck in a chokehold, the other holding on to my hips, while I'm trying to keep his arm around my neck from choking me, while also holding on to myself, because hey, I ain't getting fucked for nothing.

And that's when the door to my room opens revealing a wide eyed Holt. "Jesus Christ! Are you fucking kidding me?" He bangs the door way too loudly behind him, rattling the whole apartment.

Yeah, nothing kills the mood like that.

We both automatically let go of each other.

"Weren't we supposed to be alone?" Ben asks, gasping.

I'm seriously confused too. "Yeah, we were."

"Did you do this on purpose?"

Oh wow, just wow. "Seriously?"

Ben sighs, starts putting on his clothes. "I'll wait in my car," he says, kind of annoyed.

I want to tell him, don't bother, just leave, but I'm tired and I don't want the confrontation.

So, Ben leaves my room and I hear the front door close behind him. When I'm dressed, I head to the kitchen.

Holt is sitting at our counter. He looks pissed.

I go wash my hands. I pour myself a glass of water.

I wait for Holt to apologize, to say something...

"I was sure I didn't have problems with gays before, but obviously I do, so can you stop bringing boys back to our apartment please. I just don't want to see another one of your boyfriends again, it's making me sick and it's making me seriously pissed off."

The fuuuuck? I go to stand at the other side of the counter in front of him. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"No I'm not! Stop bringing your fuckboys here," he tells me angrily, his fists clenched on top of the counter.

"Unbelievable. He's my boyfriend Holt. I'm not bringing a string of random guys here!"

"You had that other shady guy over that time!"

Is he talking about Max? Christ, all I did with him was cry in his arms. Is he really judging me for that right now? I won't be telling him this though, he can think whatever he wants. "Seriously? You keeping track on who I fuck? I've never said anything about the stupid girls you bring here, like that moron who wanted you to get your moles removed, you keep bringing girls here who have no respect for you but you don't hear me saying anything."

"Respect?" he scoffs. "You think what that guy was doing to you there was respectful?"

"Oh my god. We were having sex Holt. Are you seriously judging my sex right now?" It's like talking with a damn child.

He scoffs again. "Whatever you want to call that."

"What an idiot," I say, shaking my head.

You can love someone and hate them at the same time and I think that right now, I kinda hate Holt. I hate him for not seeing how much I've loved him for so long, for not seeing how what he's saying is hurting me right now.

"Stop calling me an idiot all the time okay! I'm not an idiot," he yells and I think he's shaking and his eyes are definitely filling a little bit with tears.

I don't care, I want to hurt him. I want to hurt everyone. I'm thirteen again and I want the world to bleed. "Yes you are you stupid little cunt."

Holt gets up front his stool. "I'm going to punch you in your gay mouth, I swear to god."

I laugh, but it's like a sneer. "Wow. Your reptilian brain at its finest hour."

"Fuck off Eliah!"

So I leave. I just get out of there because I don't know what I'll do or say if I don't.

Ben is waiting in his car. I go sit in, beside him. "So, everything good?" he asks me.

I nod. "Sorry about that."

"Look, it's fine, but you really need to start looking for a place of your own."

"It's always been more convenient this way," I answer, kind of automatically, kind of like I'm a robot, kind of like I'm not here right now. What just happened? Did that fight with Holt really just happened?

"Well, not anymore. You really need to move."
             "Yeah..."

Ben sighs loudly, like this is the end of the conversation, like the decision is final. "You want us to go back up and finish what we started? Or go back to my place? Or just here?"

I'm suddenly feeling so exhausted and just so fed up with everything. "I think we should call it a night."

"Alright." He kisses me but I don't feel it.

I'm glad when his car drives away.

I don't want to go back home, so instead I got to Eloise's place.

The second I get there, my sister opens the door and asks, "what happened?"

"Holt and I had a fight. Apparently I gross him out," I answer and head straight to where I know she hides the good liquor.

"Why?"

"He walked in on me and Ben. Now, apparently I can't do it in my apartment anymore," I say as I grabbed a bottle of whatever.

"Ooooh, what kind of deviant act were you up to?" she jokes. I don't think she understand how bad it really was, the fight I mean, not the sex.

"Nothing that kinky."

"But for a vanilla guy, it could have been traumatising. Look, I know you might not want to hear this, but maybe it's time you start looking for a new place. Of your own. Staying with Holt like this, it's not healthy, for either of you. If you want to save your friendship, I think it's your only option."

I should tell her she's right. I should agree to this. She's the second person telling me this today.

But I can't. I just can't possibly agree to this, ever.

So I just stare at the bottle in my hands and I try not to cry.