18. Pain Is Real

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Emara Stone

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Emara Stone

I switch on the light then slowly open the bathroom's door. I peek my head inside to look if there is Ryan or any hot ghost hiding in the corner who is waiting to finger me. I see the bathroom is empty, just like my wallet.

It was just a dream. Nothing happened.

I remind myself of yesterday's incident with Ryan, it is painful to accept that he is gay. I walk inside spin my head in all directions. I stand in front of the wash basin and look in the mirror. I wait for Ryan to appear and jump at me but nothing happens. I turn around to make sure I am alone in the bathroom.

I am alone. Just like every other night. All alone.

I feel a little disappointed as I really want Ryan to touch me and kiss me just like he did in the dream. I still remember how his tongue rolled over my skin and how his eyes were virtually fucking me.

Never in my life I had one sexual dream but since I met Ryan I dream of kissing him, touching him inappropriately every night. And now these dreams are getting more intense night by night. And today it is even difficult to figure out that it was a dream or I was in an alternate universe.

It felt so real, like he was really touching and biting me. I stretch my T-shirt lower to my shoulder to see if there is any bite marks. But there were none.

I wish I had his bite marks on my skin like Mark Tobey's artwork. I wish I was his canvas. I wish his lips were brush and his tongue would roll like paint on my skin.

I notice the pain in my lower abdomen. The pain is real and the wetness between my legs too. I immediately remove my shorts and see a small blood patch on my panty.

Oh no!! Periods. Great! Now I cant even masturbate.

I hate it. I hate bleeding. I hate the smell of blood. I hate wearing pads, tampons. I hate changing them. I fucking hate periods.

Period after a sex dream. Fucking romantic.

After putting sanitary napkin I again lay down on my bed. I keep rolling on bed to get a position where my abdomen don't feel like it is lying on blades. The cramps don't let me sleep and I end up crying like I always do. I hate periods, it sounds so absurd to bleed monthly.

I didn't realise that the sun is up. I try to stand up from bed but my legs feel so weak, my thighs are paining so  much that I end up falling on bed. I can't work today, the pain is too much. I call Rita as I only have her number. I tell her that I can't come today.

"Ethan what happened? Do you want me to pick you up? I really don't mind." I can hear the worry in her voice. She is not that bad, I wonder if she knew I am a girl would she still be this nice to me.

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