Azure Saviour | dark h.s.

forty three | 43

My heart. 

Issa little bit of a long one...and um, have a few tissues (or a box) beside you reading this. I sure did. 

S x

az·ure sav·iour

Harry.

I've had enough. I need to talk to her. I can't keep chickening out. She's the only person that made me start feeling again. She's the only person who kept holding on, no matter what she found out about me. She's the one who made me feel again.

My eyes shot open as I laid on the living room sofa. I immediately up and grabbed everything that could possibly harm me or anyone, and threw it in the trash. It was time to change my life. I knew that I couldn't do a 180 and that it was going to take time for me to entirely do that. I'd already stopped the heroine; I haven't touched it since that night. I couldn't. The look that she gave me, killed every emotion in my body. I saw the pain in them, seeing me like how I was. I knew it was a bad sight, but I didn't do anything about it.

It was time to change.

I gathered all of the random items and filthy clothes all over my house, putting them where they needed to be. I quickly showered, and put on a clean set of clothing, and called the person who means the world to me. The woman that I love — Céline.

Once, twice — five times, and still nothing.

I didn't expect her to answer though. I'd been calling dozens of times, and messages, I lost count somewhere after seventy. The only response she returned to me, was that single text a week ago. The apologies I sent her, were all truthful, but I knew that I had to do it in person. I wanted to be there standing in front of her, while I told her all of my feelings towards her again.

It's been three weeks since I've seen her. Every weekend, I went our spot, hoping to find her there, even making sure that I was hidden, in case she would be afraid to find me there; but she didn't show.

Indirectly, I'd found out from Josie, Lena, and Sage about how she was doing. They said she was good, even though I knew that wasn't the truth. The Céline I knew, was never just 'good'. She was broken inside. But what she also is, she's great, incredible, beautiful — she's unique.

I planned to get her some coffee, something that I knew she would love. I gave her a bit of time, but I wanted to show her a starting effort. I knew she wouldn't be ready to see me; but maybe I could drop it off at her work. I knew so many things about her; things that I didn't even realise until much later.

Things like the love I have for her.

There was one person that I could contact. The one person that wouldn't mind answering me. I'd called her once before, but it was a while back. It was a good time to do it again; to do it for a real purpose.

"Hey Josie, I've been trying to get ahold of Céline for a while today. Have you talked to her? I'm sure you know I fucked up, but I find her." I asked, curiously. I didn't want to say goodbye. Not now, not anytime soon. 

C told me to find her when I swam; and this was exactly what I needed to do — swim. 

Ever since I declared my love for her, my entire soul felt complete; but it shattered into pieces just seconds after, when she didn't say it back. To be completely honest, I didn't expected her to. I just hoped for it. Even the heroin in my system, couldn't cover the pain I felt at that moment.

I was broken. I am a broken person. Who was she to really love? Someone who, like she said, didn't love themselves. Someone who was in love with his deceased wife. I told her my entire love story, while I knew deep down inside that she had feelings for me. I crushed her with my own selfishness and she didn't mind. She never interrupted me — not once.