ace rants

Tmi

WARNING: This two parts: me describing someone and me ranting about how confusing romance bullshit is. You don't have to read it, I just need somewhere to write it down because it feels like a lot to have just in my head

It's 11 and I'm tired and I miss camp, so I want to tell you about one of my friends from camp because 

Imma start by describing him. He was created with some insane character building. Let me explain: First off, he lives in Kansas. We all know that the midwest doesn't really exist, so that fact that he's one of the eight Kansasians is already pretty unique. Fact #2: He swims competitively. I mean like get up at 4, train before school, after school, etc. So you'd think he's kind of the jock type, yeah? Well he kind of looks like that. He's an absolute unit. But is he a jock? Nope. I don't know how to explain this, but he emanates big thot energy. He knows all the Billie Eilish songs by heart, and when there was a dance party one night, he and one of my other friends started thot-dropping and (lightly) peer-pressuring everyone else to thot drop too, and he says dummy thicc and spill the tea A LOT.

So now it seems like he has chaotic thot energy kind of? Well here's fact #4ish: He gets major anxiety in big cities. Soft boi. BUT WAIT he fucking isn't at because fact #5: He draws sexy commissions on deviantart. Go google it if you don't know what that it.

And he has not the cleanest sense of humor like me, but he can randomly be really nice and sweet. 

So the problem: My entire cabin, and I mean kids, counselors, everyone, and people from the cabin next to ours shipped us. According to them, he likes me, and I don't have enough self-confidence for that sort of stuff to agree, but I can kind of see it. But I can also see him just liking me platonically.

Now here's the problem part of that: I kind of like him too. But not in the normal way most people like other people because when god gave me crushes, he was just like "fuck you." So I do like him, but I really really really wouldn't want to date him. Just be best friends. And I could probably put up with some bullshit naive teenage romance stuff to an extent, but I am quite firmly asexual, so it wouldn't work.

Now one of the things I love about my camp is that you're not actually allowed to date or have PDA. But that sets everyone back to fifth or sixth grade times in terms of crushes and stuff, so the way people tell their crushes they like them is having their friend go do it, or sometimes they do it, but it's all very dramatic and not the best.

Now I can't just go up to him and say, "I like you, but for reasons that take a while to explain, I have no interest in dating you, but I do want to be better friends," because you don't just tell people you want to become closer like that. Also, it's not very nice to tell people that you don't want to date them no matter the circumstances (I mean if hearing those words were the only thing that would cure their stage four cancer, then they'd probably be happy to hear them, but odds are that that isn't the situation at hand).

HOWEVER, if he or his friend told me, I'd have to explain that to put it shortly, I'm weird and like him but not actually. Or I could tell him I don't like him but that would make things awkward. OR he actually doesn't like me and I'm overthinking.

That's the current 1/6 or so of my life crisis I'm having👍

Go to sleep if you're reading this at night