Roter Sand

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We agreed to meet at a cute cafe in the city at 3pm and since I lived in Northcote, it wasn't too much of a stretch. It was down a small alleyway and allowed smokers to sit outside; a rare find in Melbourne nowadays. I got there early as a passive way to assert my irritation. 3pm on the dot and he walked down the laneway. I held my breath.

How did he always look to fucking die for? I thought, my sunglasses hiding the love heart eyes I was sure I had. "Heavy night?" He asked quietly, gesturing towards my aviator sunglasses. "Not at all" I say as sarcastically as possible. "Let me get us some coffee and we'll talk" His eyes hoping I wouldn't run off in the face of adversity even though that's exactly what I wanted to do. We had a great thing, why did this have to spoil it? Denial streamed through my thoughts.

He brought our coffees out and sat down. "I hate myself more than I could possibly say, but I lied to you. And I'm deeply sorry. If what I'm about to say next makes you want to run for the hills, I won't hold you back" He says right off the bat. No bullshit, unlike me. I appreciated that because Gods knew I didn't have it in me to be as blunt as he was being right now.

"Continue" I wave my hand, cigarette already lit. "I know I said I wanted you to be free, but I was lying to myself. Worst of all I was lying to you. I've never met a woman like you and I'm sure you know I have a reputation, but I would throw all that away if it meant you were the only woman in my life" He looked into my eyes, into my soul. He didn't waver an inch as he bared his lion heart to me.

"I know. I heard Richard on the phone to you after he spent the night with me" I drop the hammer, as blunt as could be. He looked down. "I'm not proud of our exchange of words" A hint of colour rising in his cheeks. "I was just so angry at him when I had no right to be" He took my hand and held it.

"I know what kind of woman you are and I mean it when I say this; I won't make you choose or change who you are. I meant it when I said I loved how free you are. So, I'm going back to Germany tonight. I have enjoyed my time in Melbourne and with you. But if you were to tell me you never wanted to see me again, I couldn't bear it. I will never forget you" He kissed my hand.

I was frozen in place. What?! My mind was screaming and roiling in utter horror. I didn't want to choose but this was so far from what I wanted. The thought of a world without my big, strong, beautiful man? I couldn't fathom it. "What?" I whisper, as he lets go of my hand reluctantly and gets up to leave. "Coffee is taken care of" He says before turning his back and disappearing out into the hustle and bustle of the Melbourne CBD. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. My chest began to hurt, my heart wanting to tear out of my chest and chase after him. What had he just said? My mind began to seize. The world began to swim before my eyes, then bright spots before complete and utter darkness. 

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