Keeping Jemima

Tour life

Jemima

It was fantastic to see the boys performing to massive audiences and doing what they clearly loved and excelled at, I was in awe of their talent, stage presence and pure confidence that oozed from them from the moment they picked their instruments up.  I would come and watch their performances from the wings, I didn't like going near the large crowds they freaked me out and made my anxiety skyrocket so I spent a lot of time with Jack from security in the side wings or quiet areas where the two of us could watch undisturbed,we had become really good friends.  He was good company when the boys were busy doing interviews or promo stuff, he had become my personal bodyguard at Matty's insistence and had been put in charge of my safety, the boys had a separate team of security that Jack liaised with and he reported to the head of security still but for all intense and purposes he was my tour buddy, he didn't seem to mind.

Matty had asked my permission before we left Australia to let Jack in on all that had gone on so he was aware, he was already aware of some of it as he had witnessed it first hand and had seen what had been in the press, but giving him the details gave the situation more context for him.  He had become as just protective of me as the boys were once he found out all the gory details, he was quite a bit older than the boys in his late twenties if not a little older I think, I didn't like to ask, he had become more like a protective uncle, I'd never had an uncle before but I presumed this is what it felt like. I was constantly bombarded with new experiences and I soaked it all in, both small and big. I craved that protective male figure so much and revelled in having several options available to me with Matty, the boys, William, Peter, and now Jack. I'd fantasied and dreamt for years about my big brother coming back to rescue me from the hell I was living in and now I had multiples to choose from.

William and I were still together although it had been hard being away from him for long periods of time, he had managed some very brief trips to visit and he was hoping to come for a longer visit on my up coming birthday but had yet to confirm.  He was busy with his own music, he made time everyday to message me at least once, although most days it was more often and he would ring every night to say goodnight without fail.  He was very good at working out which time zone I was in and would ring at roughly the same time everyday no matter what the time was were he was. I found saying goodbye really hard, an ingrained fear that he wouldn't return plagued my thoughts, even though we'd only had a few goodbyes so far, I knew there would be more to come. Each one was like a dagger in my heart, a reminder that Matty had stepped out of that front door that haunted my dreams and never came back, despite telling a six year old me that he wouldn't be long. That small frightened, confused sad little six year old inside me rised to the surface every time I watched william disappear off into the distance, not knowing if I would see him again.

William was very patient with me, he knew I struggled with being away from him for prolonged periods and actually saying goodbye, he guessed the reasons without me even having to tell him after I had a bad first day on tour, panicking that he was going to forget me or simply find someone else with less baggage. He sent me a group photo of the orchestra and some of the girls were stunning. Matty was concerned that I wasn't going to cope with being on tour and almost turned us around to take me home, but William was fantastic. After watching me have a panic attack for two hours, Tom suggested they ring him. Matty got my phone and rang him explaining the situation, William was very sweet and was on the phone with me for four hours calming down by just talking to me even though I wasn't talking back to him for the first two hours, Matty was very impressed. after each time he'd left after he'd visited I'd found letters in my tour bus bunk that he'd left for me without me seeing along with a bag of marshmallows, he'd put a little note on the envelop saying 'I know your sad baby but I'm coming back and I've only got eyes for you, read this if you're still feeling sad tomorrow, love you to moon Jemima ' . He would ring from the airport and send me a selfie from the plane and rang me the next morning to check on me. I found comfort that he seemed to just know what to do without me telling him or having to explain myself, he'd tell me all the time "I need no explanation Jemima, unless you want to tell me then I don't need to know, all I know is I love you and I will do whatever I can to ease your pain." Matty would tease me when he wasn't here after hearing one of his little speeches, he'd walked in and ears dropped on a few speaker phone conversations then sauntered in saying "how's Shakespeare in love doing?"