Keeping Jemima

I'm ready to see all of you Emmy

Jemima

I wondered around the kitchen standing looking at the dinner table, the images from that footage mum had secretly filmed flashing in my mind. The many arguments that occurred over that kitchen table, Matty and I hiding under it from the loud arguments and flying plates, pretending we were playing forts. The kitchen cupboard Matty had trained me to hide in saying we were playing hide in seek, the reality we were handing from the flying plates and fists. As I stood there it was like watching ghosts from my past reenacting scenes from a horror movie, Images of Steve yelling at Matty telling him he was useless and a pain in the arse. Matty and me eating our last meal together, a meal I could no longer eat because it made me so sad that I wanted to puke at the memories of him shutting that blasted door and leaving me behind. How could a simple piece of furniture hold so much meaning and sadness.

"Jesus this is where that footage was filmed isn't it!" Max gasped walking in, I nodded "how you doing? You ok?"
"Honestly no, not even got to the worst parts yet" I looked up the stairs where Matty was ascending with the other boys "he's not ready for this" I shook my head "I'm not ready for this"
"Then I can tell him you've had enough for today Emmy" max hugged me
"No I need to do this, I just don't want to."
"Matty told me what you said to Arthur....about me."
"I bet he did. Dumbass"
"I'm gonna pull you out of this darkness My beautiful Emmy. I'm gonna find you, I know you're still in there Emmy, I see glimpses but I want to see it all" he put his forehead on mine "I love you, you know that right? Do you know that Emmy? It's not an empty word. I swear it's not. I love you Emmy." He whispered "don't give up baby, I'm here. I got you now." He rubbed his thumbs gently on my cheeks. He glanced up at the stairs then back at me, softly pressing his lips on mine.
"Don't max, not here, please."
"Sorry, I....sorry, of course, stupid impulsivity." He muttered to himself "I just wanted to show you that you're loved now. Can I hold you? Is that ok?"

Max stood holding me tightly until we heard laughter from upstairs the both of us looking at each other confused, laughter is not something I expected to hear from this place today. Max took my hand, linking our fingers together, walking me upstairs following the sound of Matty laughing and the boys bantering with him.

"Wow" max laughed "you weren't kidding when you said you were into ninja turtles, love the ninja turtle wall paper dude and the curtains!"
"I thought you said he chucked all my stuff? He hasn't trashed in here not completely at least, desk and wardrobes been smashed, still got my ninja turtle socks over there, I forgot to pack them! Look boys that's my ninja turtle toy collection, oh and my best big brother bear, you got me that sis, thought I'd lost it. It's not all here mind but my favourites are..." I looked at Matty laying on his neatly made bed on top of his ninja turtle duvet set which was his favourite, i stood staring at my brother, my breath quickening at the sight "Jem? Jem? What is it?" Matty sat up on his bed, this giant man sitting on a child's bed was my brother, my Matty.

I looked at his hand resting mindlessly on his pillow, the pillow I'd had held to my face so many times to stop the crying alerting anyone to what Steve was doing in this room. Matty's socks by Ed's feet, the socks that were shoved in my mouth. I looked at the blood and stains on the duvet cover my brother clearly hadn't noticed yet in amongst the bright colours. I stood hyperventilating at the sight of my brother sitting on Steve's favourite play spot, Matty's bed, Matty's favourite ninja turtle bed, the first and last time I'd been pinned down by that man had been on that bloody bed.

"Get.off.it.now" I growled at my brother
"Jem, it's ok, I liked this duvet, it's was my favourite remember, we used to snuggle watching cartoons under this duvet, on that TV that he apparently felt the need to smash, but still, do you remember Jem? Just you and me, we watched gummi bears and danger mouse and ninja turtles of course!" he smiled trying to spin happy memories into my brain like he'd been doing since we'd got here, desperately trying to trigger some happy memories of the two of us together that hadn't been tainted. I watched as he rubbed the fabric in his fingers.
"Dude, don't do that" milo eyes widened "seriously! Don't move your hand mate, put it down Matty!" Milo slapped his hand.
"What?" Matty looked down spotting the dried stains on the bed, his eyes widening, he seemed frozen to the spot.
"I SAID GET OFF IT NOW!" I screeched yanking him off the bed startled, ripping the duvet, sheet and pillow off the bed and dragging them swiftly down the stairs with me in a bundle.