Keeping Jemima

Seventeen

Matty

I wasn't happy about the sleeping arrangements between Jemima and William, I wasn't stupid I knew they were probably sleeping together, he'd definitely been more touchy feely this trip for sure. she was a week away from being seventeen, I didn't want to push her away by pushing the subject with her.  Part of me still didn't see her as a nearly seventeen year old, she was so complex, in some ways she was so much older than her years but when she dropped her guard you could still see the scared little girl that had been ingrained into her personality from such a young age, she was never allowed the childhood she should have experienced. when she was scared and shaking in my arms I didn't see a grown up seventeen year old, I saw the vulnerable little sister that had I left in England all those years ago, the girl that had been subjected to so much trauma in her short life that I sometimes wondered if she would ever live a happy normal life. The boys and I would often talk about Jemima's future, Tom was convinced she would always need our help in some form. Spending so much time with her on tour had been eye opening, there was no where for her to run and hide so we were seeing more of what she was like when she'd retreat away from us at home, she didn't have that option on tour.

We had had a few days off after performing a few shows, it was hard to go anywhere as there were so many fans and Jem just didn't cope with the crowds and the high pitch screaming, we managed to sneak out to do a few touristy things. We spent some time just chilling in the hotel getting to know William a bit better or at least trying to, which I know Jem appreciated, although you could clearly see they would rather have just been left alone for one on one time with out us hanging around.  I don't think I would have been able to drag max away if I tried, maybe he was feeling a bit jealous, he and Jem did spend a lot of time together when William wasn't around, they'd become really close since the tour started. she pretty much dropped him completely when William was here but they really didn't like each other, that much was blantently clear so it must be hard for her to please both of them. We had a pool session, max sat on the side glaring at William until Jem dragged him into splash fight but then William got over protective taking her in the hot tub saying she was getting cold. It was like a tug of war between them.

We were back on the tour bus, William managed to squeeze in the bunk with Jem, the first time he did it I wasn't comfortable and I insisted they leave the curtain open, that was a week into tour on a two day visit. We laughed so hard when we heard him mumbling half awake forgetting where he was, I poked my head out of my bunk to see the others doing the same, jack telling me to keep my cool. I couldn't help from going from scowling to smirking at the hmmm baby you smell so good and I love you baby that he was slurring while nuzzling her hair, the one that got us and gave us away was the hmmm give me more cuddles, mind my morning stiffness baby. We burst out laughing and he shot his eyes open, Jem was only half awake and not really listening to him, he looked me right in the eye and the shade of red he went was hilarious. I found it funny until Ed joked "at least he didn't ask her to deal with his morning stiffness" he regretting saying it instantly. Who calls it that anyway, even half asleep he was formal.

Jem came in with all of us sometimes but it wasn't the most comfortable, sometimes William would just sleep on one of the couches, he was a tall guy like us, Robin our stylist was joking that Jem clearly had daddy issues and wanted to dye the posh wankers hair to see if he looked like me, I wasn't impressed and stormed off, he looked nothing like me or our dad or step dad, Ed had to come find me and said he'd told her I was sensitive when it came to Jem asking her to watch what she said, considering it had been in the papers that my step dad had been arrested for physical and sexual abuse, child neglect and rape I was finding people's attitude towards Jem annoying at best.

I tried to keep Jem away from people that weren't inner circle to protect her from it. The boys said people just kept forgetting and didn't mean anything by it, the gory details had so far been left out of the press thank god, maybe people didn't realise just how bad the situation was. they were used to carefree, flirty, bantering Matty, not over sensitive, over protective big brother Matty. I was finding it hard to find a balance between the old me and the new me, Ralph and Sandra kept telling me there was no difference between the two and I didn't have to give up one to be the other.