Keeping Jemima

I promised I'd set you free

Jemima

The boys fussed over me constantly for weeks, which was a stifling if I'm honest but I appreciated their enthusiasm.  I was still weak and lost my footing constantly so they insisted on pushing me around everywhere in a chair. I was so embarrassed, people would stare wondering what was wrong with me. The 'is Matty millers little sister battling a secret illness' articles were plastered all over the media and I hated the whole world knowing I was sick.

I was trying my best with the new food regime and I was tasting all the food the boys got for me, I was still struggling to finish it or even making a sizeable dent not wanting to let go of the control that made me feel so safe. when I felt the flashbacks creeping in with my food associations I would simply stop eating the food so I could avoid the flashback, I hadn't told the boys this even though I wanted to, the shame I felt thinking about it was too overwhelming so I was still hiding it the best I could.

William stayed, joining the tour for the foreseeable future, I felt guilty he was putting his life on hold for me, but he insisted.  We would sit and do school work together, he was doing some online courses and would help me with the work Matty had set up for me. I was embarrassed that I was struggling with some of it, I always found concentrating and learning stuff at school hard, William was very supportive and helped me without making a big fuss about it.

william and jack would take care of me while the boys were off doing midnight blue stuff.  Max was clearly put out by Williams presence which I completely understood, I made sure to ask him for heartbeat cuddles everyday even if it was just for five minutes, which made him happy, William had told me he didn't mind and if I needed one to just ask max, that I didn't need to keep checking with him every time like I had been. Max wasn't being friendly in the slightest with William in fact he ignored him most of the time, but he wasn't kicking off at him, which is all could ask of him considering the circumstances.

We were stopped off somewhere and the boys had gone off to do promo work, leaving me to sleep in after a rough nightmare filled night on the tour bus so I woke up to just jack and William.  I was doing my darnedest to be as independent as possible, I was still so weak, if not weaker, it's like the deterioration in my health had hit me like a truck out of nowhere, even though I knew it had been building up under the surface for some time and I had just tried to ignore it, now doing even the simplest of tasks by myself was becoming impossible. I swung my legs out of my bunk and tried to stand falling to my knees causing a loud thud.

"Oww, shit, god damn it" I cursed my self, William ran the length of the bus like a sprinter at the olympics.
"Baby, you should have just called me" He sighed helping me up "did you hurt yourself?" I was bruising so easily at the moment and he knew it so there was no point lying to him, I just nodded holding my knee. He scooped me up putting me on the couch seat. "Let me see" he rolled up my sweat pants over my leg revealing the instant bruise on my boney knee and leg. Jack appeared with an ice pack handing it to William. I flinched as the cold sensation hit my already cold skin. "Sorry baby"
"You slept though your shake time" Jack stood shaking up one of my calorie shakes, opening and handing it to me with a straw.  I sipped it screwing my face up at the taste. "Still taste bad eh kid?" He asked sympathetically, I nodded "doing you good though so drink it up ok." I did as Jack instructed, all be it reluctantly.

The boys bundled onto the bus a wash of chatter and energy until they saw me then their faces fell, making me feel even worse than I already felt. They'd talked non stop about how fun going on tour would be and how much they were looking forward to it, now I felt like I was ruining it for them despite the fun times we'd already had. I was missing my late night swims with max, he'd come knocking on our door wearing his flamingo or penguin swim shorts wiggling excitedly, Matty gave up telling him it was too late or that he needed security with us. We'd go down to the hotel pool just the two of us and it was usually empty. We'd swim and he'd mess around or we'd chill in the hot tub. I missed those early days of tour life, they seemed so long ago even though they weren't.