Keeping Jemima

The old house

Jemima

I sat on the pavement opposite our old house staring across at it getting strange looks from passers by. I had been sitting there for three hours when a pair of legs stopped in front of me blocking my view.
"Hey kiddo" Matty hummed softly down at me "we've been looking everywhere for you" I didn't reply simply nodding "Jem what are you doing here baby sis?" Matty sat down next to me leaning on his knees, I shrugged going back to staring at the house "you need some closure? I know I probably do, just been avoiding it." I nodded silently again a tear rolling down my cheek "for most people it would be their childhood home full of happy memories of family Christmas and birthdays huh but not for us." Matty shook his head sadly "for me, it's where I left you, it's where dad left us, it's where all those fights we heard happened, but it's where you and me became well you and me. I guess I have happy memories in amongst all the shit ones. Your first word, your first steps, you and me playing music and dancing together. My first guitar was played in that house." He glanced at my tear stained cheeks "do you remember those happy memories Jem or just the bad ones"
"I remember some. But that's you I have connected to those memories not that house. I remember you."
"Oh Jem" he sighed wrapping his arm around me pulling my head on to his shoulder "I guess it's a house of horrors for you huh? Not a house of first mile stones. You were too young."
"No it is" I nodded sitting back up "my first black eye, my first broken rib, the first time I cut my wrists, the place my first child...my baby boy was born, the place he died, the place you left me, the place where he.....where he took.....where he...." I broke down crying hugging my knees. Matty joining me with his own sobs while he held me tight,

"You wanna go in?" Matty dangled some keys from his finger "we're here if you want to face it." I looked up to see four boys looking sadly down at me. "Together Jem, the boys here will help us both say goodbye to this place"
"I can't Matty, I can't say goodbye to Arthur."
"I know. I was thinking maybe...only if you want. I've bought dad out of his half of the house, so it's ours now Jem. Maybe we could clear it out finally, get a skip dump the lot, keep anything of mums or ours that we want, ditch the rest. I was talking to peter, he's looking for somewhere to stay, maybe we could rent it to him. that way we're renting it to someone we trust, someone we know is going to watch over Arthur for us." I nodded wiping my cheeks. "Come on let's go face what's behind those doors, it's exactly as you left it, no one's touched anything."
"Then I don't think your prepared for what's behind those doors Matty Miller" I gave him a half smile

"maybe I should go in first."
"I think we should go together kiddo, even if it's just me, we don't want any triggers if you're on your own"
"Please" I whispered out, reaching for the keys "I need my baby boy Matty." Matty nodded letting go of the keys saying they'd give me five minutes then come in, the boys walking over with me jumping up to sit on the front wall watching me carefully, Matty standing next to me with a hand on my back, taking the keys from my trembling hands when I failed miserably to control them long enough to get the key in the lock. Matty turned the key pushing open the door for me. As soon as the door opened the horror of my tormented past hit me like a tsunami wave and from the gasp that escaped Matty's mouth I think the realisation this wasn't his childhood home he was stepping back into and the reality of what occurred within these walls hit him harder.

"Jem..." Matty ushered quietly holding onto my shoulder
"He tidied" I whispered to him "I'm ok" I nodded stepping into the house, the voices and memories instantly flooding my brain I screwed my eyes shut blowing out air, trying to escape them, escape him.
"I'm not letting you do this alone" I opened my eyes to see Matty had stepped in with me, his eyes looking around sadly, stopping at a fist shaped whole in the wall that was my head height behind me.
"I ducked" I turned skimming my fingers over the hole "I shouldn't have ducked" I shook my head remembering how pissed he was that he'd missed. "I couldn't see out of my eye for a week it was so swollen, had to miss school for a few days, Peter helped me cover it with makeup, I stayed at his house, told everyone I had an allergic reaction to a bee sting. mum used to have a picture of her and him hanging over it, to cover the hole, he was shit at DIY, I should have just taken the first swing, you'd think I'd learn."