Keeping Jemima

You can never lose any of us

Jemima

Max carried me in hiding my face into his neck snapping at a few more fans and paps on our way in. He was met in the foyer by a worried jack, max told him he had me and was taking me to his room, sending jack off to rescue Matty and our dinner. Max sat me on his bed breathing with me, Tom kneeling rubbing my back, him and max were sharing again, I'd learnt they rotated, max told me it was so they didn't get bored but Matty had discreetly told me that max was hard work so they rotated. I had learnt while on tour that he had severe ADHD that he kept hidden and that it was hard work on tour for him to control so Matty and the boys rotated so they had the energy and patience to keep up with him but didn't tell him, it was a sensitive topic for him. Matty told me not to mention it unless he did so I was waiting patiently for him to bring it up, a little hurt that he hadn't yet, it had been nearly two years I'd known him.

Tom let Matty and jack in a few minutes later who hurried over to me. "Hey baby sis, how you doing" I simply nodded and Matty took hold of my shaking hands. "What happened?"
"It's my fault, I told her about Ed's love interest. I didn't think it would be a trigger."
"Why's that triggered a full blown panic attack sis, I don't understand?"
"He's gonna leave me" I sobbed flinging my arms around Matty squeezing him tight
"Oh sis" he hugged me back "go get him for me jack and milo while your there the chi...the dinner needs eating"
Max told Matty some of my rambled questions and anxieties I'd been spouting off while we waited.

Poor Ed rushed in darting over pulling me into him, giving one of his huge big brother hugs. "What's wrong Em, jack said you had a panic attack and needed me?"
"Mate I need a word" Matty patted his back, I wouldn't let go of Ed gripping onto his shirt "Jem let him go sis, just for five minutes so I can explain, I promise I'll bring him back."
"No" I squeezed Ed tighter "no, don't go no. Don't leave me Ed, please don't leave me."
"Alright I'm here shush, Matty we'll talk later or text me the problem, I take it it's something to do with me specifically, come on you wanna eat with me?"

"What do you need Jem? You want me to sit with you or Ed?"
"Don't look at me" I shoved Matty away "go away"
"Jem! I didn't..."
"She means while she eats Matty" max muttered kindly "you're the trigger, I think, I'm not sure I didn't really understand, sorry. She can't eat that particular food with you looking at or talking to her because that's what triggers her panic attack or maybe a flashback Maybe, I don't know why."
"Oh, I...why?.....I mean.....I've never.....alright, sit with Ed it's fine. I'll dish up shall I? You want a bit of everything to taste?"
"No, don't touch my food!" I shoved him again getting annoyed

"Fine, I'll go sit outside in the bloody hallway then shall I!" Matty huffed off annoyed
"Matty....Matt mate, come back" Tom followed him
"Why! She doesn't want me here! Obviously! I give up! I can't do this! What the fuck jem! I didn't do anything to you Jem! What the fuck have I ever done to you huh? If you don't want me here just say so, don't make shit up! Cos I sure as hell have never touched you like steve did or treated you like he did not once Jemima! I've never once laid my hands on you! So stop making shit up to get your own damn way! I'm fed up with it! I can't do anything bloody right! If you want my attention, you got it already so you don't need to make shit up!"
"Matty!" Milo gasped
"Fuck off milo" Matty flipped a chair, picking up a lamp throwing it across the room, I flinched into Ed shaking
"Oi! Snap the fuck out of it! You've gone hulk! Don't make me call mum!  She'll stick you back in anger management dude! You are not trashing another hotel room, you've not done it in years so go cool off! Not in front of her Matty! Control yourself." Tom snapped "Em it's alright" he rubbed my back

"Shit, damn it, I'm sorry" Matty sobbed slumping to the floor "I'm sorry, I didn't do anything to you Jem" he weeped out "I didn't do anything! I would never touch you like that! Why? Why don't you want me here! Why won't you let me help you? Why do you let posh boy help you and not me! I fucking love you Jemima! Ive never touched you Jem, I swear I've never touched you! what the hell do you think I've done? Please just tell me! I love you! Why don't you love me back Jem? Why won't you let me love you? I'm sorry I left you behind but it doesn't mean I didn't love you, did he tell you I did something to you because I didn't! I swear I didn't! He kicked me out Jem! I didn't have a choice and I didn't even do anything! He gave mum the ultimatum, me or him she chose him! My own mother chose a fucking man over her own son! I left them not you. She sent me half way across the world Jem, my own bloody mother! When grandma died she just signed me over to Sandra and Ralph like I was a used car she didn't want! They wouldn't let me see you Jem! Why won't you let me love you" Matty wept
I peeked up from Ed's chest looking at Matty breaking down feeling guilty, I'd finally broken the only person that had loved me my entire life.
"He's just upset Em, he doesn't mean anything he's saying right now. Although it is true about him being kicked out and not letting him see you." Ed ushered quietly at me and I nodded
"Matty mate, here talk to William" jack offered his phone to Matty.
"No!" I launched myself across the room in a panic trying to reach the phone
"Em, just let him talk to him so he understands. Here you talk to him first then"