Keeping Jemima

Butterfly

Jemima

We booked into the hotel which we going to be staying at for just under a week as the boys had a few shows to do then had arranged for some days off before the next part of the tour. It was going to be the first proper time they'd had fully off and I had been looking forward to it, now William was here it was going to be even better. William hadn't booked anything, this was a last minute trip he had decided to surprise me with, I heard him telling Matty that he'd literally packed up and gone to the airport after talking to me last, because he could tell I was struggling and he wanted to be here to support me through it, that something was telling him he needed to be here for me. I really didn't know what I had done to deserve someone like William, he was amazingly sweet and caring and in many ways I was still getting used to that. I begged Matty to just let him stay in my room, the hotel was fully booked, not surprisingly as the boys were performing around the corner and all the crew were staying here too and I think there was a conference on round the corner, from all the business suits that were walking around.

"Please Matty! You can't make him stay on the bus by himself!"
"he can go in with max or Tom, then one of them can come in with us" Matty was trying to negotiate with me.
"Max, really! You know they hate each other!"
"No they don't! Well ok maybe they don't like each other, well we can rearrange the other boys then or he can go in with Jack or max can come in with us."
"Matty, please! I need him! Please!"
"Jemima! I don't...."
"Matty" I whined dragging out his name "I'm seventeen in like two and half weeks, come on please! I really really need him with me, he'll be going again soon and I....I..." I started to tear up in the middle of the foyer were the boys and crew were checking in.

"Hey calm down come let's go over here for a minute and talk in private" Matty guided me away from the boys and William who were now standing awkwardly looking at me and each other. In fact most of the foyer was now staring at us and the scene I was creating. Max and William were exchanging uneasy looks between each other. "Right listen to me, I understand you want him close, but I'm not happy with him and you being intimate ok, I know your nearly seventeen, but you're still vulnerable especially today and I'm just not comfortable with it and I'm not comfortable sleeping in the same room with you two snuggled up in the bed next to me, it's bad enough on the bus, I'm sorry."
"Matty, please I'm not talking about sex, I just need him to hold me tonight please" I sniffled out.
"I can hold you tonight if you need someone, how about he has my bed and I get in with you maybe"
"Matty, I...I....I've been struggling this week, even with you here, I need him. please Matty I'll do anything you want I just need him to hold me the way only he does." I pointed over to William who was looking over rubbing his neck nervously like he always did, especially around my brother. You could tell he was resisting the urge to come over and comfort me and give one of his prim and proper speeches.
"Continue, talk to me Jemima, I know you've been struggling and I now know why."

I took off the bands on one of my wrists and discretely showed Matty the fresh fingernail marks I had been hiding from him.
"I'm sorry Matty, I was too ashamed to tell you....I just....it got too much....I'm sorry....I stopped though I didn't try and..."
"Okay okay come here" Matty pulled me into a hug putting my bands back on my arm "looks like we've not been doing as well as I thought eh? Is that fingernail marks? You draw blood Jem, they look deep." I nodded and he sighed
"I'd like to think it's just a bump in the road, do you think it's more than that Matty, am I...getting too bad again? I didn't use anything, I don't even know I'm doing it until it's done! I'm sorry. Are you sending me home Matty?"
"No Jemima, you're ok. But we need to work on this properly, I want you to talk to me, you can and you need to talk to me even if it's about the hard and awkward stuff. We agreed didn't we if we did this tour you'd come to me if you needed help."