All is Found

39

Even though this tour has had a lot of ups and downs I was sad to see it end. It renewed my spirit that I could make music for me and have fans like it. Playing live again made me want to launch myself into writing an album so I can go out and tour again. But I know I need a break right now.

After the last show in Manchester, we all went our separate ways. Alyssa went back to LA with Diego while Britt went home to Atlanta. Thea and I stayed in England for a few days and got to explore a bit. We got to have a mini vacation to get to decompress from tour and it was nice to get to explore just the two of us. As for Nikki, she went home to Salem and is going to be staying with me for a little while she plans out her next moves. I'm thinking that she probably wants to stay in Salem for a bit since she met Malia.

During the last stretch of tour Eli hovered around me. He stopped hanging out with Ashleys band and was right beside me. I think my breakdown scared him that I would disappear again and I felt bad for that. When tour ended he wanted to come back to Salem for a little while but I managed to get him to go back to LA after a long conversation about my feelings and what I'm planning on doing when I get home.

Nikki and Malia picked Thea and I up from the airport when we got home. It took us a few days to get over the jet lag and for me to unpack and clean everything. During the time Thea got her final clearance to go back to work and she was excited to get back out in the field.

It took about a week for things to feel normal. When I felt like I was stable at home I talked with Doctor Blake at lengths with that she thought was the best course of treatment. After the past few weeks of intense talks with her I have been feeling better. The nightmares are happening less frequent and I've been able to sleep more without talking the sleeping pills. Right now Doctor Blake has given me a few different options to consider. We could continue to have our sessions every couple of days or I could try inpatient therapy.

Making the decision was hard and I did a lot of thinking about it. I ended up agreeing to a two week inpatient program in Boston. Doctor Blake informed me that the program runners keep everything private. I packed myself some clothes and the next day Thea drove me into Boston. I left my phone with Thea and gave her a kiss before I walked through the front door.

The first few days were an adjustment. Disconnecting from everything at home was hard. I agreed not to have any communication from home during my stay since I'm only here for two weeks. Once I got over the grab hands for my phone things were a bit easier. The doctors here are wonderful. Between group and individual therapy I felt like I'm finally getting the help that I have been needing.

By the time the second week came to an end I didn't feel like I was ready to leave. After talking with the doctors here they recommended that I stay another three weeks. So I decided that I would go to New York for the VMAs and then return afterwards to finish the treatment. When I called Alyssa to give her the news she wasn't all that happy because she wanted to me stay in New York to do some press. That didn't last long as she started to stress over everything she need to do for me in preparation for the award show.

Since Thea is going to be working the night of the VMAs, Nikki is going to be coming as my date for the evening. We also are going to be taking a road trip to New York instead of flying. Alyssa will meet us there.

After the decision was made I called Thea to give her the news. I would be staying in the treatment facility till Thursday and Nikki and I would drive down to New York on Friday. Thea understood and wished me well and promised to come and pick me up on Thursday.

When Thursday rolled around and I walked outside of the building for the first time in two weeks I smiled at the sky. My chest felt light for the first time since Asher and Ashley were killed. That was one thing I worked on a lot so far. Recognizing that Asher and Ashley didn't just die, they were murdered. It was something I hated to talk about. Even though I got justice for the killing of my siblings, I hated to say that they were murdered.