CONFLICTED

Chapter 30| Ride home

Chapter 30: Ride home

Christopher

The sky was clear. The weather, not too hot and neither as cold. The birds were singing a delightful song, bullfrogs busy croaking from a nearby pond and crickets making rough sounds with their wings along. Otherwise, the place was as silent as a graveyard.

Well, except it was actually a graveyard.

I settled down on the gravel and leaned partially on the tombstone which read my mom's name and the date interval of when she was born and when she died.

Alicia Wilson

17th of June, 1975 ~ 12th of December, 2000.

Resting a hand on the cool stones, I cleared my throat and began.

"Hey mom. It's Christopher. I... I hope it's not so cold down there." I chuckled softly.

My thoughts went to my father.

"Your husband is doing fine. He's gained more weight from less workouts and more of Aunt Lydia's greasy food. Oh, he quit his drinking habit and he's a lot more outspoken now so you have nothing to worry about."

A grasshopper leapt up from the grass and settled on the grave and I slowly brought my palm next to it. It hopped on with ease while I carefully put the oblivious insect up and watched it's silhouette against the sunny sky as it flapped it's wings.

After what seemed like twenty turns and wing flaps on the foreign surface, it extended it's wings for flight and made it back into the green grass.

"It's clear those two are not backing out of their plan to wed," I went on with my soliloquy. "so I'm just gonna respect that decision. Truth be told, I already accepted it long ago. If there's anyone who needs some bit of love, it's him and his fiancee is the perfect match."

"And I think I also need to accept moving across the continent to attend college." I exhaled and reached for a twig lying on the grass.

"If it's his wish to make me school in Cambridge, there's nothing I can do about it and you know that mom. I've never met anyone else as stubborn as your husband. Well... ex-husband." I tsked away.

Chilly wind whizzed by in different directions for a while until calm reigned again. I began breaking off the branches on the twig absentmindedly.

"Then about Anna, it's only a matter of time before the doctors give up on her and declare her dead, right?"

The twig broke in my grasp and I realized I had put too much pressure on it out of anger. Once again, I exhaled out my frustration through my lips.

"I'm not going back there anymore." I shook my head nonstop as if trying to second-guess my decision as well.

"I just can't do it anymore. The beeping, the drips, the wires, her still frame and puffy eyes, I...  I can't do it anymore."

Anger, sadness and other conflicting emotion boiled up within me and I gritted my teeth to fight it off.

"It's hard mom, so fucking hard. I keep hurting every time I see her and I can't help knowing that I put her in that state. I feel like I'm about to go out of my goddamn mind and..."

I stopped to take a deep breath and momentarily close my eyes to brush off the thoughts.

"Kelvin was right. I keep punishing myself by going back there. Seeing the damage I've done and cursing myself afterwards. I can't bear it. I know it's selfish and stupid of me but.. if she's not gonna wake while I'm around her, I need to give her space and see if she'll come around. And to also try and gain back my sanity because I'm beginning to lose it."