Not So Scary (Punk L.R.H. |au-ish|) [COMPLETED]

Chapter 44

Chapter 44

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Today I wore all black.

From head to toe.

Black.

I was one of the first people to enter the small church. My mother's open casket was at the end of the isle. Trying to contain my tears was usless, my eyes were already flooded.

She looked at peace, almost happy as she laid there motionless. I could almost imagine that she was just asleep and all I had to do was wake her up and she would be back to normal back to her smiley happy self. That she was just so asleep she looked dead.

But no, her cold nearly white skin would not move again and her face would never have the same happy glow. Her face really did light up like a Christmas tree when she smiled, brightly displaying her pearly whites.

Her lips would never move again, to tell a joke or do any thing to make me smile when I felt low. Or to kiss me goodnight after a long day. Or to offer encouragement or advice.

Her eyes would never open, displaying the blue green pattern of her irises. I swear they had lights behind them, but now they had burned out, and nobody was home.

Her soft touches, warm embracing hugs that were always so welcoming, gone, forever.

She never did teach me all her cooking tricks like we had planned so many times to do. Or how to make a bed in under 10 seconds. Or show me how exactly she could make cookies to taste so amazing.

She never got to see me graduate high school and college, or see my wedding, hold her first grandchild and then spoil them rotten.

She was going to travel the world when she retired. She even had a long list of countries: Italy, Cambodia, Japan, England, Belize, The Bahamas, France, South Africa. The list just continues....

No, instead she had to have her life cut short. Broken off at its height. She just found love again. She thought she saw a bright future, not the future that is reality.

I looked around the room at all the flowers. Hundreds of Gardenias. My mother loved Gardenias. She didn't care what color they were, she just said that they just made her so happy.

I looked down on my mom and whispered because i could trust my voice not to sob.

"I love you mom, I have always loved you, even when I said I hated you." I could almost see her lips moving to return my words, and feel her hug as she told me it was alright.

She was wearing her favorite outfit, a baggy old sweatshirt and sweatpants. I wouldn't let them bury her in some uncomfortable dress that she never really liked anyway. These were the clothes that she always wore on cold winter nights, and on Christmas morning, her "comfy clothes" that she put on after a long hard day at work.

I turn away from her before I have another wave of memories wash over me causing my eyes to flow with more salty liquid. I went and sat in the far corner of the first pew, wanting to just curl up into a ball and die.

Everyone else walked reverently past my mom, and I just sat there staring, wishing I was there instead of her.

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The funeral was over and I was still in the same position. My legs were stiff from them being hugged to my chest for so long and I couldn't feel my butt any more. Everyone else has already left, leaving me there. Some wanted to stay but I told them to go. My mom's body was still there, but the top was closed. I know she needed to be buried, but I didn't want to let go, not just yet.

My tears had dried long before and now I just felt numb inside. She is gone. She really is gone. This whole time I've wanted this to be a bad dream. Thinking that maybe, at any moment, I will wake up to her telling me to get up because I will be late for school. But that didn't happen. And as much as I want this not be real, it is.

I get up slowly as to not fall, and walk over to her casket without making a sound. I lightly touch the top of it with my fingertips.

"I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living my momma you'll be." I recited the words to a book I made her read read to me over and over.

The last drop of water I had in my body rolled down my cheek as I wished my mother one last goodbye.

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T-T HOLY SHIT GUYS THE TEARS ARE REAL T-T

Why do I do this...

School was cancelled. *hallelujah chorus*

xx

Noelle.