Babies

New Year

Caregiver : Felix
Little : Changbin

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TRIGGER WARNING : PANIC ATTACK (SOCIAL ANXIETY)

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Changbin POV

From my room, I could hear the boys talk about tonight's party and I could feel they were more than excited about it. From my point of view, it was making me nervous. It was the first night of the week we wouldn't be practicing, obviously, since it was New Years Eve, but I wasn't that thrilled to use it to party. I was more in the mood for a blanket and movie night. Although, when I saw Felix' face lighting up at every mention of the party, I couldn't say no to it. I'd just have to stick to my boyfriend the whole night and everything would be alright, then we'd all come back to the dorms and I could finally crash on my bed and sleep. I kept that goal in mind as I dressed up and prepared myself mentally for the night out. I finally got out of my room to find the others all ready, at the entrance of the dorm. Felix jumped towards me when I locked eyes with him.

"Binnie you're finally ready!"

I chuckled slightly and nodded. Chan then opened the door and let us all come out before he exited himself and proceeded to lock the door behind him. Outside, we made our way down the street as the sort-of-club we were going to was only 10 to 15 minutes away. Felix, Jisung and Hyunjin were at the front of the group almost running towards the end of the street while talking and laughing loudly. Seungmin tried to catch up to them while grabbing Jeongin by the wrist forcing him to come along. Chan and Minho were trying to calm everyone and the leader repeated numerous time to be careful on the street and watch out for the cars. Everything was like usual I could say. We finally arrived at our desired destination and the youngests had calmed down a bit, but really just a little bit. I made my way towards Felix and grabbed the sleeve of his coat, holding it tight. He looked at me and smiled brightly before excitedly saying :

"We're gonna have so much fun!"

I tried to smile back, but it felt like it just came out as a disformed frown. My anxiety was starting to kick in, but I was pushing it back, deep inside. The last thing I wanted tonight was to slip into little space which was unfortunately the first thing happening when I was anxious too much. I let my hand slide until I reached Felix' and grabbed it, interlocking our fingers. He squeazed them a bit, like trying to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to believe it would. We entered the club and everything was already too much; too many people, music too loud, lights too bright. It was making me sick, but then I felt another squeaze on my hand and Felix shot me a reassuring smile. You're with Felix, it's gonna be fine. I repeated to myself again and again. The other members had already dispersed around the place and even if I wanted to, I couldn't find them in the ocean of people.

"Let's dance"

I heard Felix' faint voice over the crowd. I agreed and he dragged me to the middle of the dance floor. He let go of my hand as he started dancing and an uncomfortable feeling got through me again.

"Are you okay Changbin?"

I hadn't noticed Lix had stopped dancing and was now staring at me, concerned.

"Not really"

I said, trying to cover the music and the other voices. Felix' face grew even more worried.

"I'll get you a glass of water or something, wait here okay"

I wanted to protest but he was already gone, eaten by the crowd. It's then that I couldn't hold it in anymore and the panic rose bigger inside of me. I couldn't breath evenly anymore, I felt like suffocating. I needed to sit down, I just needed to sit down, but too many people were around me, drowning me. Now I was sure of it, I wasn't breathing, I couldn't breath anymore, there was no air left for me. The ocean of people continued to dance around me, not conscious of my current state, I couldn't blame them though. I tried to catch my breath a couple times, but I only grew hotter and hotter every time I couldn't take a deep breath. I couldn't find Felix, I couldn't come out of the crowd, I was stuck there and I was drowning, quickly slipping. Which didn't help at all, because a club wasn't the best place for my four year old mind.

Felix POV

I was concerned about Changbin, I knew he only came for me and I felt guilty. He had told me once he was socially anxious and I knew for a fact that for him anxious meant little space. I couldn't let him slip here, it would be desastrous. I just needed to find him some water and bring him outside or something so he could cool off. The search for the water was more complicated than I intended it. First, getting out of the big crowd was a difficult task, but after succeeding, I couldn't find any water. Alcohol though, that you could find. I went up to the barman trying to get his attention away from a middle aged lady sitting in front of him.

"Excuse me"

I tried once, he didn't flinch a finger.

"Excuse me mister!"

I called out again, louder. He still didn't turn his head my way and I was starting to get annoyed.

"HEY EXCUSE ME"

I screamed. He finally glanced at me with a disgusting look on his face. He approached me.

"Yeah what do you want?"

He asked nonchalantly. I fought the urge to slap him across the face.

"Can I have a glass of water?"

He looked at me weirdly but still went to get me the water. I sighed and hoped Changbin was still doing okay. Grabbing the glass from the bartender's hand before he could say anything, I turned my back at him and made my way into the crowd again. I didn't exactly remember where Changbin and I were dancing and where I had left him, but I figured if I went close to the middle of the dance floor, I would find him. I walked carefully between people, trying my best to protect the glass of water from being knocked out by any dance move. After arriving to where I thought I'd left my boyfriend, I grew anxious, not seeing him anywhere around. For pigs' sake where was he?

Changbin POV

I had been lost in the crowd, for what felt like hours, in my little state of mind. Frantically looking around, hoping to see someone I knew, dada, if I was lucky. No one. I recognized no one, but I was a big boy, I wouldn't cry. I held back the wave of tears growing underneath my eyes. Dada would find me, he would right?

Felix POV

I couldn't find him. I had left him in a panicked state and I couldn't find him anymore. By now, I was sure he was little and all lost. Why did I have to leave him alone? The guilt was eating me up as I continued to look around desperately. Where are you Seo Changbin? As if someone heard me, I noticed a small boy standing in the middle of the crowd, looking odd as he was the only one not dancing. I let out a big sigh and pushed through people to get to him.

"Changbin!"

I screamed. He turned around and looked at me for a few seconds before breaking down in tears.

"Dada!"

I immediately took him up into my arms, holding him tightly while trying not to spill the glass of water on him. I turned around a little a placed the glass in someone's hand, which looked at me confused but still took it.

"I'm sorry baby, dada is sorry he left you alone"

He sniffled in my ear and hummed softly.

"Let's get you home, how 'bout that ?"

He seemed to agree and I continued to push the people to find my way out, Changbin still in my arms, his head resting on my shoulder. When, lastly, I pushed the door for the outside, a wave of fresh air came crashing at me and at the same time, Changbin and I took a deep breath. I carried Binnie all the way back to the dorm even though my arms were killing me, I would never let go of my baby anymore. Changing Binnie into his pajama, I myself put on more comfy clothes and I, again, carried him onto the couch, covering both of us with a warm blanket before putting on some random cartoons show. I had also texted the rest of the members to warn them we had already left. I hold my baby closer, if that was even possible and started to fall asleep at the sound of his little giggles towards the kids show. I would make sure, next year, that we stay at home. With that thought, I saw the clock read 0:00 and closed my eyes.

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a/n

As an anxious child, I litteraly had a panic attack writing this, but it was worth it, I'm really proud of it, it's the longest I've written so far!

Also HAPPY NEW YEAR
I hope this year ends up better than last year for everyone, wish you lots of love for 2021 :)