Inside Her Head S1

Musings: Time

1-24-21
Hi there.

Welcome back to another musing with me, it's been awhile. The topic for today is quite relatable. We will be talking about something intangible yet somehow we all long for...

TIME.

Now let's get started.

Sometimes, most times, all the time, I get stuck somewhere else. Often times, I am here in the present, but my soul is somewhere else in either the past or the future.

Can you guess where I'd rather be?

If I had a chance to travel through time, I'd prefer to go backwards. I want to tell my past-self what I know now. I wanted to tell her, "It's okay, just be yourself."

There are a lot of things that I wanted to do. Things I wish I had tried when I was younger. Things I wish I had. Abilities and skills I wish I've already learnt.

While I was still in my teenage years, I wish I had the confidence I have now. I wish I wasn't so scared of my parents, and had fun as a kid. I wish I wasn't so traumatized by my parents' failed marriage, and tried dating while I was still at University.

I wish I had known myself better. I would have been able to tell my friends why I am, at certain times, moody. I would have been able to warn them that I loose my temper when I have PMS.

The person I am now is a bit carefree. The person I was back then, was too careful. I was careful not to disappoint my parents. I was so mindful of my actions. Mindful of not making mistakes, and be a perfect daughter.

But now I realised, they aren't perfect parents either. And even if I had made mistakes, they wouldn't have loved me any less. They would have still welcomed me with open arms.

Somehow I feel everything is unfair.

What if I was one who got pregnant at an early age?
What if the father of my child left me?
What if I was'nt able to work as a pharmacist?
What if I failed the board exam?

I was always trying to be the better offspring. I always tried to think older than my age. I never had the time to pause. Never had the time to be playing games.

Even as I child, I would just sit there. I would just patiently wait to be fetched. I would not go running around the playground, roll in the mud, and not care for the world, unlike my older brother.

I thought I have to compete with him. He used to seem smarter and more talented than I was. He always get praised with rewards way back in elementary. And I'd feel so dumb for not achieving higher recognitions.

My older brother was so laid-back with his life. He always plays around. Had a girlfriend at the age of thirteen. Failed his career and got his girlfriend pregnant. But guess what? He gets away with it. Gets away with all these responsibilities, leaving it on top of my shoulders.

I've looked up to life as a competition. But now, I don't feel like I've won anything at all. If I had known that. If I had known it would be okay...

Maybe I would have just failed altogether.

But no, I still strive. I don't do it for the competition no more. I do it for myself. I didn't win, because I wasn't in a game afterall. I didn't have to prove I was better. Life isn't a competition. And while it was my brother's decision to marry at such a young age, I am not following his tracks. I don't have to. I can make my own tracks, and so can you.

You see, we always take everything for granted. We take moments for granted. Take people for granted. Take our youthfulness for granted. We take our time in this world for granted. We are either looking back or in a rush to move forward.

But no matter how much we rewind or fast forward the tape, we would never be able to pause time. Time is constantly playing.

This is why I write letters. If I haven't mentioned, I've been writing letters to my future self. These letters have helped me to understand myself. It also keeps a piece of my memory. These letters are the proof of my existence. I might die, but my words shall live.

Not yours,
-Kriz @24