Inside Her Head S1

Entry #145 04/03/2022

Dear future me,

There's a lot that I wasn't able to write to you. Like how I successfully surprised Sonny last Valentines. Or how I sent Neil another gift but he didn't even sent me a message to give thanks. And how I was kinda flirting with the new banker who visits our branch, only to find out that he already has a girlfriend, and that he lied to us saying he was single as a pringle.

And now it's just a few nights to go until my trip back to Bohol. I hope na successful ra and no delays. And sana it would pave a way for my love life. It's gonna be 9 years of waiting now. Could Mr. F. probably, low key, was already in my life from the start of this almost ten year journey of finding love?

I don't want to make another round of assumptions. I am supposedly going to meet a past crush next month, May 4. We both aren't sure if we'll be able to meet because that's a weekday, and he has work. But if he ever goes out of his way to meet me up, I would give this a chance. Although we are far from being romantic. So, very far from it. I view him as a friend, and I bet the feeling is mutual. We aren't even close friends. And I didn't even notice we were catching up with each other every year since I greeted him Happy Birthday on 2018.

To be honest, I did kinda poked into his life back then because I see some potential in us. But then, he was a broken piece of a shell, and I don't think I deserve a broken version of him. I am not some cure for all. And I think things went on the way they did for a greater purpose.

Hopefully when the time is right, and when we have grown individually, and both are healed from past experiences, maybe then we could give it a try. As of now, I don't know the status of where this is going, but I do kinda feel like there's a certain connection between me and him.

A few months ago or maybe a few years too, he has been visiting my dreams. And I do recall this one time na it was supposed to be a school reunion, but then I met him, and mura daw mig uyab. We just kinda clicked and went out and had fun. And then there was this other dream, if I recall it correctly, he was riding something (maybe a horse but I'm not really sure), and there was this cottage in the middle of the night and it was like I was there and he was supposed to meet me. But I can't really recall most of it now. I kinda wished I had wrote about it more.

Also, last year, I kept on dreaming about snakes shredding skin. And when I took a tarot reading, it seems so clear to me now. I am the snake, and I'm shedding my skin. I am shedding off unhealthy behaviors that I have done in the past, and transforming into a new version of myself.

Well, I hope I get more clarity by the end of April or maybe by next month. And I hope I'll be able to fill my own cup with self-love and healing. I know now that Neil is not good for me. I mean, I asked for a sign again a few days ago. I asked the spirits that if it will rain today in between 1pm-3pm, I will call Neil, tell him I'm coming home and I'll visit him on his birthday. But if it doesn't, I won't bother him for the rest of our lives. Although, I think I should have a proper closure with this person so I can move forward to something new. But if that would never happen, I should just find closure in the silence.

And for the next person in my life. I hope he is far better than Neil. I hope that I wouldn't be exerting much effort than I should. And I hope he will show me his efforts and willingness to meet each other half way. And when we are both ready to be committed, I hope it shed a light why it took us so long to proceed to the next step.

For now, take your precious time dear self. Whether it works out or not with this new guy, you should be happy. Your own happiness is our top priority. Recharge yourself because some people are just energy vampires. Don't let their problems affect you so much. You deserve more care and nurturing. Stop being available all the time. Learn to set your boundaries.

Love,
-Present 25 yrs old self